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The Top 10 Things I Hate About 2 Guns

First: 2 Guns really is a spectacularly awful title. We are talking hall-of-fame levels of stupidity with a name like that. What does it even mean? A promise that, at minimum, the film has one pair of firearms to entice audiences? That when we see a gun in the movie, we can rest assured it will never feel lonely, because another gun will be in close proximity? Is it a high-concept sort of thing, wherein the main characters only have access to two guns to take down an entire criminal operation? Is it a wacky arthouse piece in which two firearms become sentient and search for the true meaning of life, the universe, and everything? Or is it merely another lame, slapdash marketing phrase flailing desperately to make this insipid buddy-cop action comedy stand out from the interminably large crowd of other insipid buddy-cop action comedies, and really only indicating that the two protagonists will each not only carry a weapon, but be defined by their proficiency with violence?

[h2]4. The film is grossly misogynistic [/h2]

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In a moment, we shall discuss what deep-seated tonal problems 2 Guns plays host to, and I suspect that, if the film had a vastly clearer sense of what it wanted to be, and was content with just having fun, I would not be nearly as turned off by the film’s treatment of women. A little objectification in a guy’s movie is par for the course, even if that is indicative of a much larger gender representation problem in the industry. But as it stands, so much of 2 Guns is so brutal, ugly, and unpleasant, that when I look at how the film constantly demonizes and devalues its female characters, it strikes me not as an attempt to have some mindless fun with sexuality, but as something truly, grossly misogynistic.

Every last woman that appears on screen is treated like a play toy, and object, an incredibly dumb, obviously inferior form of life that, as the film presents things, is naturally inferior to men. There is only one major female character – played, unfortunately, by Paula Patton, a very good actress who deserves much better – and all these things hold true for her as well, even if she is a DEA colleague of Washington’s. In addition to constant sexual shaming – the character is constantly made fun of at the outset for simply having a boyfriend, for instance – her one major scene opposite Wahlberg and Washington relegates her to the butt of the joke, allowing the two main character to crack lots of bad jokes at her expense. And then, when it is time for a traitor to be revealed, she is, of course, the turncoat. But not entirely, because she still has feelings for Washington and does not quite know what she wants or why she did anything in the first place. Because women are weak, apparently, and cannot make up their minds about anything – even when playing the part of the antagonist, the woman has to be inferior at that role to her male equivalents. Screw this movie.

[h2]3. The violence is not fun, but uncomfortably brutal[/h2]

Now we get into perhaps the single biggest, most omnipresent issue: Tone. 2 Guns purports itself to be fun. It is not. It is unpleasant, because for every witty exchange between Wahlberg and Washington, we get an unbelievably sadistic speech from Paxton, a needlessly brutal or demented torture scene, or a random example of vicious physical harm, none of which is fun or entertaining in the slightest.

The number of torture scenes on display is kind of incredible. People are tortured with bats. People are tortured with the threat of live bulls. People are tortured not only with guns, but with mad CIA agents playing Russian Roulette. Our heroes even come close to waterboarding someone, not because it is in any way necessary, but because somebody, somewhere along the line thought a string of waterboarding jokes would be funny. Suffice it to say, they are not.

Look, I like goofy, mindless violence as much as the next guy, but having fun with violence and throwing out as many sadistic ideas as possible are two very different things. 2 Guns falls far on the wrong side of that line, and it is extremely tough to find anything Wahlberg and Washington say or do amusing when the majority of their ‘heroics’ consist of actions that, in most contexts, would be extremely disturbing.

Not that the attempts at amusement have any chance of succeeding in the first place though, because…

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