Vin Diesel Signs On To Play Kojak In Feature Film Adaptation

Presumably because Vin Diesel springs to mind when somebody says “bald actors,” the Fast Five actor has signed on to star as lollipop-suckling retro detective Lt. Theo Kojak in an upcoming feature film adaptation, one that’ll have Bruce Willis on the phone to his agents wondering why they didn’t get there first. What might have once appeared to be some sort of weird joke  – to, you know, mess with Kojak fans – is apparently a super-serious venture for Universal, who’ve just hired Skyfall writers Neal Purvis and Robert Wade to pen the screenplay.

For anybody who doesn’t know who or what Kojak is, it was a popular 70s TV show that starred Telly Savalas as the titular detective, a tough-talking cop who plays by his own rules, but by God does he get results. How such a property might find itself re-dubbed for a 21st century audience is questionable, but we’re guessing that it will involve at least seven or eight highly-explosive car chases and a dozen winking references to the old TV show – you know, for the old folks, who absolutely won’t go out to see this thing.

Whether or not Diesel’s baldness will be addressed is also currently up for speculation, though it’s likely that an origin story – in which Diesel cultivates the look for “fashion purposes” to allow this adaptation to appeal to human beings of this century – will take up the first forty minutes of the film. Who loves ya, baby? Not Bruce Willis, that’s for sure.

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