Gem – Ted
There’s zero debate if you’re considering which movie sidekick is the most far removed from reality as the vertically-challenged plush jokester Ted wins the battle paws down. Standing at a good height for oral delight, covered in fur, and probably Made In China, Ted also happens to steal the crown for sidekick with the worst influence over his best friend John (Mark Wahlberg).
At 35, John is questioning the cards life has dealt him; working an uninspired job at a car dealership amidst trying to fulfill what his girlfriend, Lori, needs. Saying his best friend Ted has been with him for 30 years, his actions show how little he cares for John’s aspirations.
John and Lori return home from dinner to find Ted entertaining a bunch of defecating hookers and promptly ask him to move out. Instead of realising that it may be his chance to be the bigger bear and do what’s right for his friend, Ted calls John up at work and convinces him to come over, get battered and watch the special features on a Cheers DVD. Which he does.
The biggest example crops up after Lori lays down an ultimatum for John to stop hanging out with Ted. The two attend a house party at her sleazy boss’s house. Moments into the bash, Ted calls John with a life-altering invitation: their idol, Sam Jones of Flash Gordon, is at Ted’s own house party. After a brief internal struggle, John goes. But, you know, just for a little while.
Jump forward several hours later and John, Ted and Sam Jones have snorted, drank and mainlined their way through the veritable pharmacy of Ted’s abode. Sure, they’re all buddies while the drinks are flowing and the breasts are a’wobbling, but Ted practically forgets the strife John has endured with his girlfriend. Sam Jones’ appearance at Ted’s party was no doubt a fun and once-in-a-lifetime encounter for them, but at what cost? John’s future with Lori is cast aside for an evening of debauchery. Ted’s influence over John comes at a high price.
The final straw is when Ted arranges for John to serenade Lori at a Norah Jones concert. Sure, he means well as he does throughout the film, but it results in further separation for the two lovebirds. Ultimately, Ted’s actions are motivated by his own desire to perpetuate the frivolity he and John have shared over the course of their lives. As he seems loathe to shed the silliness and selfishness of youth, he too imbues his friendship with John with the same youthful disregard.
There’s no question that Ted’s the kind of bear you’d wanna party with. But as a sidekick to watch your back? Only unless you want to wake up in the gutter vomiting into a prostitute’s purse.
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