Christian – The Room
There are lots of things I’ve had the pleasure of writing about in the past few years: movie theater etiquette, the future of video games, Winona Ryder having sex with a ventriloquist doll. But now is my time to shine, because ladies and gentlemen, I am here to tell you about the holy grail of cinema: Tommy Wiseau’s The Room, the best worst travesty to ever be made. I could write novels about this movie and everything it has to offer, but we’re here for one thing and one thing only: that dirty, nasty, penis-shriveling sex.
The sex in this movie is worse than bad. It should be used to convince teenagers to never rub their bits together. If you haven’t seen this broken masterpiece, here’s a quick rundown: Johnny is engaged to his girlfriend Lisa, who for no fathomable reason decides to cheat on Johnny with his best friend Mark. Thus follows a disgusting love triangle that leads to more partially clothed skin-on-skin than a party after prom.
It’s hard to pinpoint which sex scene is the unsexiest, because after the first one, my testicles detached themselves and I haven’t heard from them since. To understand how fully terrifying these scenes are, you have to see Tommy Wiseau’s face. It is a tapestry of horrors, made up of the souls of every date rapist who died in prison.
What music do you imagine during sex scenes? Classy porno vibes? Norwegian death metal? Some smooth, smooth jazz? Well throw that all out the window, because The Room chose to use the worst R&B music ever recorded, and the effect is absolutely hilarious. It even leaves in the words! Holy crap, who leaves in the words during sex? That’s like leaving your socks and sandals on.
But let’s get to the dirty details, because you might want to use these the next time you’re loving on your favorite body. Rose petals are everywhere, and Johnny smacks Lisa in the face with the stem while giggling. Overdubbed moans and groans are thrown into the terrible R&B, and Lisa looks terrified. Just plain scared of this man. And then, the coup de grace of this injustice: watching Johnny hump the crap out of her belly button. No joke. Look where their hips are, because I guarantee something just plain wrong is happening under those sheets.
I can’t say it gets worse than that, but the sex scene with Mark is equally as mystifying. There is no way Wiseau (who also wrote, produced and directed) knows what sex is actually like. Mark’s jeans remain on and buttoned during the whole thing, so unless he’s a zipper master, he’s rubbing his pants harder than Lisa.
The next time a cold shower is necessary, forget wasting water and racking up a bill when you could just watch The Room a few times. Every time someone gets the juices flowing in this movie, an orphan is fed to a komodo dragon. Please stop the injustice, and save an orphan or two in the process.
The arguments have been made! Now it’s your turn, head to the comments section and weigh-in on which cinematic sex-scene brings the unsexy.
Enjoy what you read? Check out last week’s article where we discuss the saddest deaths in cinema!