All that CGI and ‘The Flash’ couldn’t give Ezra Miller a runner’s rear

The Flash is officially in theaters, and audience consensus is in general agreement: the movie is, at best, fine.

Its not as bad as many of us thought it was going to be, but a scourge of awful CGI, alongside Ezra Miller’s reputation for intimidation, verbal harassment, and even outright assault, weighed the flick down. Its still pulling in reasonable returns (albeit low for a film of its scope and production length) but, in general, The Flash is considered a flop.

The bulk of criticisms against the film, apart from viewers who refuse to support any project Miller is involved with, revolve around that aforementioned trash CGI — or, as I’ve come to fondly refer to it, DCGI. The Flash is absolutely overflowing with truly atrocious CGI moments, from the baby in the microwave — yes, Miller puts a baby in a microwave early in the film — to the eye-watering Speed Force scenes.

In all, there has to be more CGI in The Flash than actual, real moments. If we were to time it out, I remain convinced that the bulk of the movie’s runtime would be entirely computer-generated, which begs a vital question: why, with so much reliance on CGI, didn’t the filmmakers bulk up Miller’s butt?

Look, I’m not typically the type to fixate on an actor’s — or character’s — posterior, but we see a lot of Miller from behind over the course of The Flash. And all I could pay attention to, with each fresh pose, was how utterly flat they are. I mean, not everyone is blessed in the booty department, but wouldn’t all that ceaseless running create at least some level of bulk?

According to my sister-in-law (a resident expert on runner’s butts, thanks to her husband), it really depends on the type of running we’re considering. While I would classify Miller as a long distance runner — I mean, he dashes from Central City to Gotham at the outset of the film — she errs on the side of sprinter. This is, as it turns out, a vital distinction, as the two types of runners tend to develop notably different muscles. While, according to her, most sprinters look like “skeletons with hard muscle painted over,” long distance runners tend to build more overall bulk.

So there you have it, Buttgate all comes down to a simple distinction. There’s an easy argument for Miller’s Barry Allen falling into both camps — he sprints over long distances — but overall, I still feel like the rest of his body is more akin to a bulked-up runner than a wiry sprinter. The man has thighs on him, after all, so shouldn’t he also have some beefed-up cheeks? DC certainly doesn’t seem to think so.

If we’re lucky, Miller has officially portrayed the Flash for the very last time, so the powers that be have no opportunity to correct their mistake. We’re all stuck with Miller’s seamless backside, which flows from lower back to upper thigh with hardly an interruption, all because the studio decided CGI babies were more worth the cost than giving Miller a bit of an upgrade to his derrière. More’s the pity.