Trump’s ICE wants to deport a Mormon for catching too many fish, despite him not actually catching any fish at all

Who would have thought ICE would come for the Mormons? Well, they have, as a deportation order fell through the letterbox of a Ph.D. candidate at Brigham Young University, and the reasoning behind it is pants-on-head stupid.

The Mormon in question is Japanese citizen Suguru Onda, who faces rapid deportation after his Form I-20 visa was revoked and has been given just 15 days to leave the country. Onda is a year away from completing his doctorate in computer science, is a father of five with two U.S.-born children, has lived legally in the U.S. for six years, and is an important contributor to research in computer vision and machine learning.

So, what heinous crime has Onda committed to get him into ICE’s bad books? Well, sit down folks, because I’m about to tell you a tale of one of the most sinister evil masterminds in modern American history. Our tale begins in 2019, when Onda chose to join his Mormon church group on a fishing outing.

On this outing, Onda – prepare yourself for this – didn’t catch any fish. However, some of the Mormons present on the trip did and because Onda was “the face of the activity” he was cited for catching one more fish than their license permitted. So, he’s guilty of catching too many fish, even though the number of fish he caught was… zero.

Sure, you might point out that this fishing license breach charge was later dismissed as not making any sense whatsoever, but can we really permit these rod-happy Mormon fishing monsters to exist within our borders?! All I’m saying is lift up his sleeve and you’ll probably find a telltale tattoo of a prize bass. Regardless of the facts, as far as ICE is concerned, Onda is a foreign national linked to a criminal case, meaning he must abandon his studies, family, and life and return to Japan.

Onda’s attorney Adam Crayk, sounds as baffled as the rest of us, explaining that international students connected with aggravated felonies, crimes involving “moral turpitude” and other serious offenses have their visas revoked. In what may be the understatement of the year, he said that these types of crime are “much more significant than keeping an extra fish.” Mmm.

Meanwhile, Onda is packing his bags. He said “We love the community here”, that his family is sad “but there’s nothing that they can do”, and that fellow Mormons are supporting them: “A lot of families have reached out to me and brought us food and tried to offer help. We couldn’t do this without their help — so I really appreciate all of the community, and especially for the church.”