‘It’s pathetic’: ICE frustrated at ‘athletically allergic’ couch potato recruits who can’t pass basic fitness test

Folks, they’re not sending their best. ICE is currently on a serious recruitment drive, hoping to transform angry young men in internet comments sections into Trump’s modern-day stormtroopers.

But there’s a teeny, tiny problem. It turns out the sweaty and unwashed denizens of mom’s basements aren’t the most physically impressive specimens of humanity, and many of them can’t pass even the most rudimentary fitness test.

To pass this test, recruits must complete 15 push-ups, 32 sit-ups, and run 1.5 miles in 14 minutes. Unfortunately, it seems that when asked to do this, the would-be ICE goons end up red-faced, sweat-soaked, and gasping for air – their Cheeto and Mountain Dew-infused bodies entirely unsuited for physical activity. According to the report, the 1.5-mile run is the real killer, which has apparently “toppled more trainees than any other requirement.”

A career ICE official summed up the situation in a comment to The Atlantic: “It’s pathetic”. A full third of potential recruits are dropping out after failing the test, with ICE internal messages lamenting that they’re being forced to deal with “a considerable amount of athletically allergic candidates” who had “misrepresented” their physical abilities.

To put it simply, these doughy blobs just aren’t going to cut the mustard when it comes to tearing children from their screaming mothers’ arms. Can they kick open the door of an elementary school? Please, they couldn’t kick their way out of a wet paper bag!

“It’s a disaster”

If anyone was wondering if you have to pass a physical fitness test to become an ICE agent… pic.twitter.com/ZeRjvdraep

— Jesus Freakin Congress (@TheJFreakinC) September 29, 2025

ICE’s solution is to move the fitness tests to the very start of the training process as the agency doesn’t want to waste time training people “who can’t even do push-ups.” All of which leaves the partially trained ICE recruits who’re too unfit to send into the field in a tough situation, so they’re being placed on mindless administrative tasks while HR prepares their termination letters.

ICE’s summary of the situation: “It’s a disaster”. Indeed! The silver lining for us is that squads of out-of-shape ICE goons who can barely run a few meters are both ineffective and amusing (particularly when set to the Benny Hill theme). So, if you’re considering signing up to ICE, why not go for a super-size serving of fries and chug another few Monster energy drinks – and c’mon, you can work out tomorrow, there’s still time for another few rounds of Warzone today!