Kristi Noem’s insane lie detector policy turns farce after top agency director flunks test

Let’s get one thing clear up top. Polygraph tests cannot tell when a person is lying. Cop shows may insist otherwise, but in reality they’re pure junk science, and there’s a good reason they’re inadmissible in court.

However, they are useful as a tool for psychological intimidation. The simple act of hooking someone up to a machine they’ll have seen a thousand times in movies and TV shows puts pressure on you. As thinking goes, if you’ve been fooled into believing that the polygraph can detect lies, you’ll be more inclined to tell the truth.

So, if you’re interrogating a suspect and you want to turn the heat up on them, wheel in the polygraph machine, ask some pointed questions, and then confront them with the “results” (which can mean whatever you want them to mean). It only “works” because most criminals are kinda dumb and believe in them.

That all falls apart when you’re routinely using them to decide who can be trusted with secret information. Enter brain genius and puppy slayer Kristi Noem who, soon after being appointed Secretary of Homeland Security, introduced mandatory polygraphs for “disloyalty” across the DHS.

As polygraphs can’t detect disloyalty, this approach is… let’s go with flawed. Now, entirely predictably, chaos has ensued. As reported by Politico, the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Agency acting director, Madhu Gottumukkala was administered a polygraph in July and “failed” it. Oops.

The results are in! Diagnosis: extreme gullibility

As it turns out, administering a test on your boss that calls him a liar isn’t great for your career. Now the current line is that we can ignore this as it was “unsanctioned”. DHS spokesperson Tricia McLaughlin has confirmed that Gottumukkala was given the test, but said it.. uh.. doesn’t count:

“An unsanctioned polygraph test was coordinated by staff, misleading incoming CISA leadership. The employees in question were placed on administrative leave, pending conclusion of an investigation. We expect and require the highest standards of performance from our employees and hold them directly accountable to uphold all policies and procedures. Gottumukkala has the complete and full support of the Secretary and is laser focused on returning the agency to its statutory mission.”

DHS officials are pushing back against this, with Politico quoting current officials that call this explanation “comical”, saying Gottumukkala requested the test assuming it would be a breeze, and that he personally signed off on it.

In an incredible twist, DHS officials maintain that Gottumukkala’s failed test means something, with one telling a reporter, “How is failing a polygraph not a concern [when he’s] supposed to be leading a national security agency?”

Oh boy. If the people responsible for our nation’s security really are such rubes that they believe in this pseudoscientific nonsense, they could at least go for a cheaper alternative to polygraphs.

Why not take a leaf from America’s ancestors and examine them for suspicious moles or blemishes that might prove they are in league with the devil? Ooh, or perhaps they could toss people into a pond and see if they sink or swim! There’s also the age-old tactic of using a special dog trained to sniff out dishonesty and witchcraft! Hm, actually, the fewer dogs around Noem, the better.