It’s been a busy February for Elon Musk. The billionaire tech mogul gave his first speech from behind the Resolute Desk this week and brought his son, X Æ A-Xii, along to add a little green to the rich mahogany. While his son was busy wiping snot on a symbol of American authority, Musk rambled on about his plans to dismantle democracy, bashing the judicial system and leaving many Americans convinced that they were watching some twisted reboot of Candid Camera.
While Musk tested heart pressure monitors across the country, Donald Trump dissociated, no doubt pondering his ambitious plans for Greenland. The actual president has been insistent that the territory of Denmark become a part of the U.S. of A. despite its population and motherland repeatedly telling him “no thanks.” But can we really be surprised that a man convicted of sexual assault doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “no?” Much like his determination to rename the Gulf of Mexico the “Gulf of America,” Trump has come up with an equally unnecessary name change for the small island — a name so stupid, even SNL won’t be able to top it.
Meanwhile, Representative Robert Garcia is one Democrat who is sick of Musk and his less-than-stellar ideas. The Californian made a big name for himself this week by calling a spade a spade and adding a little trash talk to an otherwise boring congressional hearing. Not unlike a certain Avenger known for standing up for what’s right, he took a swing at Marjorie Taylor Greene, and we’re pretty sure it helped nab him a spot in the next Comedy Central Roast.
And then there’s Vice President JD Vance, who’s been incredibly quiet since blowing out his back to please anyone who can further his career. The self-proclaimed hillbilly has been busy wasting his time on social media, defending virulent racists and allowing them to view millions of Americans’ personal data. But even abandoning his scruples hasn’t made Trump like him more. The president actually let slip on live television just how little he views Vance as a partner, and we can’t help but wonder if, like all of us, Vance is already ready to get off this carousel from hell.
The world didn’t need saving, but Elon staged a coup anyway
Elon Musk doesn’t walk into rooms — in recent months, he’s been bounding in like an overzealous golden retriever (though not the kind you’d necessarily want to pet). Whether he’s rejoicing about effectively being a shadow president or just happy to have his hands on everyone’s bank account and social security information, there’s no denying that the man has been living his best life lately. On February 11, he made his shadow presidency official by addressing the nation from behind the Oval Office’s Resolute Desk while Trump sat silently off to the side.
Musk isn’t just playing puppet master in America, by the way; that would be too small-time for the man who literally wants to colonize other planets. The billionaire is busy organizing a global far-right network and openly supporting Germany’s AfD, a far-right party with Neo-Nazi ties. “There’s too much of a focus on past guilt and we need to move beyond that,” he said while addressing 4,000 attendees in the German city of Halle.
Given that Musk controls one of the most powerful social media platforms in the world, terrifying doesn’t even begin to cover the reactions many Americans are having. He’s using X as his own personal megaphone for conspiracy theories, hate speech, and half-baked ideas that are far more dangerous than his son’s wandering finger. What’s the endgame here? World domination? A dictatorship of tech bros? A dystopia where we all have to pay $8 a month just to exist? On second thought, don’t tell me. But make sure that kid washes his hands, Elon. For the love of God, wash that kid’s hands.
Trump declines to endorse Vance as his successor, and we all know why
We’ve all worked under a boss we haven’t exactly vibed with, haven’t we? Or known a mean girl who forced us to stop trying to make “fetch” happen? Well, as it turns out, JD Vance might take the cake in that department. His journey to VP has largely consisted of backpedaling on previous convictions, swallowing his pride, and making mixed-race couples uncomfortable with his consistent pardoning of racism. Even President Trump isn’t pulling any punches where his Veep is concerned — not that he showed much love to his last one, Mike Pence. This week, 47 brutally smacked down any misconceptions that he might actually care about Vance during an interview with Fox News‘s Bret Baier ⏤ and it wasn’t pretty.
When asked if the president might support a Vance presidency in 2028, Trump was locked and loaded with a resounding “no,” but never fear ⏤ he thinks Vance is “very capable.” His reaction isn’t totally surprising, considering that Vance has surrendered the position in everything but name to Elon Musk. He’s fallen so far from Trump’s grace that rumor has it earthworms are craning to see him down there. Like Brian Cox’s Logan Roy, Trump has shown no interest in naming an immediate successor, nor does he seem to have plans to surrender his seat in the first place. If anyone takes ol’ Donny’s place, you can bet their last name starts with T and ends with rump, and that’s only if he actually follows the law and steps down in four years. (Given this his current relationship with the judicial system borders on neglect, I think we can form a sturdy hypothesis.)
Despite the verbal backhand, Vance recently took to X to defend 25-year-old Marko Elez, who lost his job at DOGE over tweets from earlier this year after claiming he wanted to “normalize Indian hate.” Vance is married to an Indian woman and is the father of two half-Indian boys, yet he still defended “Big Balls,” as Elon Musk refers to him, saying, “Stupid social media activity shouldn’t ruin a kid’s life.” Okay, but when it was literal teenagers like David Hogg or Greta Thunberg, cancel culture was all the rage and completely acceptable? Got it. It just goes to show that in MAGA Land, trying to make a positive difference that actually benefits all people (Democrats included) is a cardinal sin, but being “a racist before it was cool” is A-OK. Make sense?
To get the rest of the tea, which this week includes Musk playing pretend president, the worst rename for Greenland imaginable, and Robert Garcia’s ascension to superhero status, be sure to sign up for WGTC’s They Said What?! Newsletter.
Published: Feb 13, 2025 06:57 pm