Speedballs at SpaceX. Anti-trans bathroom battles. Rudy Giuliani sticking his entire foot in his mouth. Is this the latest reality TV train wreck? Nope, it’s just us recapping the utterly bonkers political shenanigans this week blasted right out of its pooper.
That’s right, kittens: Marjorie Taylor Greene, our own Capitol Hill bloodhound, has been patrolling bathroom doors like the hall monitor from hell while Donald Trump’s dream Attorney General, Matt Gaetz, said “no thanks” seconds after more sexual assault claims came out against him. (Not unlike that guy everyone wants to smack, Gaetz might want to consider witness protection at this point.) Meanwhile, as the GOP paraded its latest bigotry couture, Don Jr. seemed to be riding the white lightning over at Elon’s rocket pad, allegedly mistaking rocket fuel fumes for some high-grade sweet Colombian nose candy. This guy wasn’t just dropped as a baby ⏤ he was taken out back and thrown.
The launches keep on coming, folks — some drifting off into la-la land, others just practically tripping out. So yeah, grab your popcorn — or maybe, just to be safe, your barf bag. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Matt Gaetz peaces out as Marjorie Taylor Greene threatens to oust Capitol Hill pedophiles
Even though Donald Trump has only nominated a fraction of the grossly unqualified people he wants in his cabinet, we’re already ready to get the hell off of this roller coaster. In a matter of weeks, he’s tapped more criminally unfit grifters than a round of Duck Duck Goose in the big house. The 78-year-old singled out child predator Matt Gaetz as his Attorney General, and the potential appointment left Lady Justice – and anyone with a brain – in tears.
Justice delayed is justice denied, and with that undeserved promotion, Gaetz was ostensibly set free from the charges. His bootlicking buddy Marjorie Taylor Greene had his back per usual, and threatened to release ethics reports for all House members should they try to unearth Gaetz’s skin-crawling history. For someone who screams about the welfare of children 24/7, presenting the unceremonious sacking of pedophilic scumbags as somehow bad is a bold move. It left us longing for the good ol’ days when hiring undocumented workers was enough to stamp out a government career for good.
In a rare moment of Republican clarity, Gaetz actually considered the consequences of accepting a position 1000% above his pay grade and the scrutiny that might follow. Within a week of his nomination, he passed on his chance to undermine democracy, withdrawing from AG consideration just as rumors of additional underage trysts began to swirl. Now, if only Dr. Oz would follow suit and spare us up to four years of facepalming.
Marjorie Taylor Greene, Mike Johnson, and Nancy Mace compete for the GOP’s transphobia crown
Marjorie Taylor Greene often seems like the most hateful person in Congress, just barely a step removed from the truly monstrous man set to seize the White House in a few short months. She’s officially facing fierce competition for her bigotry badge, however, now that Nancy Mace and Speaker of the House Mike Johnson have hopped on board the transphobia train.
With news that Sarah McBride — America’s first-ever transgender congressperson — is set to join them on Capitol Hill in just a few months, each of the loathsome liars jumped into action, setting their bullying sights on their incoming co-worker. Mace immediately proposed a bigoted bill that would block McBride from using the bathroom of her choice. Johnson threw his support behind it and Marj had a full-blown unhinged meltdown, first proposing segregated bathrooms — go back to the 1950s, you hobgoblin — and soon after crying “assault.” All over where a woman relieves herself. Make it make sense. Someone. Anyone.
To get the rest of the piping-hot tea, which this week includes a wrestling whack job, Matt Gaetz’s vile Venmo transactions, and Rudy Giuliani’s inability to learn or generally function, be sure to sign up for WGTC’s They Said What?! Newsletter.