They say good things come in small packages — like fun-size Snickers bars, travel-size shampoo, or mini cupcakes that pack a punch of sweetness. Well, Matt Gaetz slinking away from his Attorney General aspirations certainly fits the bill.
It’s a small victory, but we’ll take what we can get these days. Of course, the second he announced his decision, cricket noises filled the air. Better start Venmo-ing, buddy — those paid pals don’t come cheap!
In his withdrawal statement, Gaetz claimed his “confirmation was unfairly becoming a distraction.” Riiiight. Don’t connect the dots, folks — I’m sure it had nothing to do with the committee learning of a second alleged sexual encounter with a 17-year-old. Gaetz also lamented, “I had excellent meetings with Senators yesterday. I appreciate their thoughtful feedback — and the incredible support of so many. While the momentum was strong, it is clear that my confirmation was unfairly becoming a distraction to the critical work of the Trump/Vance Transition.” He concluded with a flourish, “I’ll be withdrawing my name from consideration to serve as Attorney General. Trump’s DOJ must be in place and ready on Day 1.”
Nevertheless, when one slimy door slams shut, another one creaks open. Marjorie Taylor Greene, who just last week was belting out Gaetz’s praises like a tone-deaf banshee, wasted no time brushing his existence aside to celebrate her shimmering, new role. The transphobic Crypt Keeper herself gleefully announced she’ll be chairing a subcommittee in an unholy alliance with Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy, which has the painfully forced acronym DOGE. Welcome to the Black Order, Marj!
“I’m excited to chair this new subcommittee designed to work hand in hand with President Trump, Elon Musk, Vivek Ramaswamy, and the entire DOGE team,” Greene boasted. According to her, this subcommittee will axe government “bureaucrats” and “provide transparency and truth to the American people through hearings.” Greene smugly declared that she’ll be rooting out “waste, fraud, and abuse” in the government. Clearly, her unique skill set makes her the perfect candidate to sniff out any traces of waste or fraud — after all, it takes one to know one, right?
Perhaps this upgrade to top DOGE is a small consolation prize for Greene, considering she and Boebert were overlooked for any significant roles in Trump’s cabinet. Instead, a Fox & Friends weekend warrior was tapped to lead the Pentagon, while RFK Jr., who believes water additives are altering people’s orientations, is slated for Secretary of Health and Human Services. It seems Greene’s prayers — albeit in a less grandiose manner than she might have hoped — have finally been answered as last week she expressed a desire to “see people like us… [be] very much involved” in government. I suppose we should count our blessings — at least Marjorie will be kept busy with this new gig. It might keep her from patrolling outside bathroom doors for a while. Silver linings!