Um, wait … why didn’t somebody say Matt Gaetz and Mike Johnson have ‘informally adopted’ sons?!

You’re scrolling through your feed, minding your business, when something hits you like a splash of cold water. A post on X that dredged up the extremely curious cases of Matt Gaetz and Mike Johnson — and their “informally adopted” sons.

A meme X account pointed out a “fishy” similarity between Matt Gaetz and Mike Johnson. Both GOP members have adopted teenage sons. Yes, this is real; you are not watching The Blind Side. Matt Gaetz “adopted” Nestor Galban at 12 years old. And Mike Johnson adopted a 14-year-old Black teenager named Michael back in the day.

Let’s start with Gaetz, Florida’s resident headline generator. In 2020, he casually revealed that he’d been raising Nestor Galban, a boy he described as the son of an ex-girlfriend, since the age of 122. No one asked for this info, but Gaetz, in his infinite wisdom, decided it was time to share. No formal adoption paperwork? No problem — Gaetz considers him family. This may sound heartwarming, but wait until you hear the rest.

Fast forward to Gaetz’s ethics report. Allegations say that payments for certain “services” during Gaetz’s alleged escapades were funneled through none other than Nestor’s PayPal account. Gaetz denies it all, of course, but this feels like the kind of plot twist that makes you hit pause during a true-crime documentary to say, “Wait, what?”

Then there’s Mike Johnson, the Speaker of the House, unwanted by his own party. His story could be Gaetz’s narrative twin. Johnson and his wife took in a Black teenager named Michael when he was 14, a relationship Johnson has likened to The Blind Side. Again, no formal adoption — just vibes. Michael, now an adult, has chosen to stay out of the public eye — a choice Johnson’s team assures us is totally mutual. Still, Johnson hasn’t hesitated to name-drop Michael when it suits him politically, from invoking their bond during reparations hearings to comparing Michael’s “challenges” with his white son Jack’s “easier path.” Yep, this feels like it was written in a focus group meeting rather than a family dinner.

What are the odds? Two GOP members, both “informally adopting” teenage boys under circumstances that could only be described as… unconventional. One man’s son is mysteriously entangled in allegations involving PayPal payments for adult activities, while the other’s son conveniently disappears from the public eye yet gets name-dropped during politically charged moments. We can’t help but wonder whether the boys were “adopted” for practical reasons. Both Gaetz and Johnson used their “sons” as talking points, each relationship emerging from the shadows at just the right (or wrong) moment. Gaetz revealed Nestor when his public image needed a softer edge, and Johnson invoked Michael’s life story during reparations hearings and racial justice debates.

So, is this a cosmic coincidence, or the universe playing a cruel joke? We can’t tell, but maybe we will find out in this new book coming out: How to Adopt Without Adopting: A Guide for the Politically Ambitious, authors: Matt Gaetz and Mike Johnson.