Did you know they’re calling Donald Trump “the most honest person anywhere in the world”? It’s true! Yup, of all the 8.3 billion human beings on the planet, the sitting President of the United States of America is the most honest of all of us! Isn’t that something?
Our source on this? Why, Donald Trump himself. And, as he’s “the most honest person anywhere in the world”, we have no choice but to take him at his word. Trump delivered the news while discussing the Epstein files, which mention him around 38,000 times for what I’m sure are around 38,000 perfectly innocent reasons.
Trump handed down his revelation in the Oval Office, telling reporters:
Trump: "They wanted me to go to jail for the rest of my life. Then it turned out I was innocent. Very innocent. I have a friend who said 'you have to be the most honest person anywhere in the world.'" pic.twitter.com/KtzATuRnXv
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) February 3, 2026
“Look at me, they went after me. They wanted me to go to jail for the rest of my life. Then it turned out I was innocent. Very innocent. I had a friend, a very smart friend, he’s a very wealthy man, knows the life of… a street-wise guy.”
Your friend’s initials wouldn’t happen to be “JE” would they? Anyway, Trump continued:
“He said, ‘you have to be the most honest person anywhere in the world’ because there’s never been anybody who’s been examined up and down. Hundreds of thousands of pages of documents. Millions of pages. Millions of pages. With all of that, they found absolutely nothing wrong.”
Who woulda thunk it?
Who can argue with that irrefutable logic? Now, I can see what you’re thinking: wasn’t Trump convicted of 34 charges of falsifying business records, including concealing secret payments to buy the silence of adult movie star Stormy Daniels? Is that “honest” behavior?
Well, even though we’re skeptical, who are we to doubt “the most honest person anywhere in the world”? Maybe we all just collectively hallucinated all those horrible things he’s documented to have done, the lies that appeared to fall from his grotesque lips literally every time he speaks, and the countless lives he’s personally ruined and destroyed.
Here’s hoping for three more years of honesty from Donald “very innocent” Trump! I mean, as he tells it, we’re currently living in some kind of paradise thanks solely to him. Sure, a peek out your window may make it look like we’re actually in hell as Trump’s ICE goons dome yet another innocent American, but trust me, you’re in heaven, and you just don’t know it yet.
Published: Feb 4, 2026 08:44 am