Many eons ago (probably), an utterly biblical war was waged between doors and mountain goats. Countless suns set upon broken glass, chipped wood, bloody hooves, and dulled horns, all while Lord Billy Gruff III and Grand High Gateway simultaneously made plans to march on the opposing capital, with the ultimate goal of planting their flag in the name of all goat- or doorkind.
This conflict was lost to history, with many experts agreeing that the war was far too silly to include in any reasonable academic curriculum, let alone a proper text. Nevertheless, whispers of many door-goat battles haunt our planet today; battles that once only had God as their witness, but now have another in TikTok‘s @stoesz_22. The kicker? This battle was no whisper.
The incident was just seven seconds, but the moments building up to it numbered centuries. As Erika ponders the goat (who will henceforth be known as Billy Gruff XXI) above with her trusty cell phone, you can almost see Billy Gruff XXI’s ancestors whisper the violence directly into what will quickly become a one-track mind beholden to brutality. Erika may be confused at the sudden aggression, but make no mistake; there’s nothing sudden about it.
And so when Billy Gruff XXI lands that fateful, pane-shattering blow upon the entrance of whatever small business he happened to stumble upon that day, you can almost feel the air pressure change as doors everywhere are reactivated for combat. Billy Gruff XXI, for his part, stalks away after leaving his old enemy in ruins, likely to recruit more mountain goats so as to continue their offensive. Progress cannot be stopped!
Now, those who aren’t as well-read on door-goat history will tell you that the goat attack was the result of human error and complacency. Wenatchee Outdoors advises visitors to mountainous or otherwise goat-dense areas to not feed goats, urinate in the woods near your campsite, or anything that may inadvertently make the goats more familiar with humans, lest they get confident enough to try and make a power-play on your campsite.
Instead, it’s recommended that you stay in a large group, make loud noises to scare them off, and “report troublesome goats” to your local Department of Fish and Wildlife, which is a phrase that’s far funnier than it has any right to be.
Comments on the video were all over the place, with a not-insignificant number of responders requesting that the “Stone Cold” Steve Austin theme be played over Billy Gruff XXI’s act of vandalism, while others still began tossing out their favorite goat-centric recipes as if that’s going to scare him off more effectively. According to Erika herself, this has happened twice, and she, like everyone else, has chalked it up to Billy Gruff XXI having beef with his reflection, and throwing down accordingly.
But of course, we all know the truth. Indeed, we just watched the inciting incident of the next military campaign of the Mountain Goat Republic, who have set their sights on the long-incumbent Door Empire, if not to claim victory, then to keep the spark of conflict between ancient enemies burning as bright as this planet of ours will allow. Be careful not to get caught in the crossfire, Erika; neither the goats nor the doors are above capturing suspected door and/or goat conspirators.
