Imagine, just for one, single, solitary moment, leading a life that is so unthinkably vapid and unfulfilling, that you figure that the best way to receive your next hit of dopamine is to go behind the DJ booth at a club, pop a squat, and take a dump right there in front of the DJ before exiting the scene, leaving them to contest with the stench of your poor adjustment.
Does that sound absolutely insane? Well, that’s because it does, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Indeed, you can’t make this stuff up. TikTok‘s @djjonblower was working a gig in Brighton’s Tide Nightclub when a woman, perhaps within arm’s reach of a drunken stupor, walked past the establishment’s bathrooms, marched in behind Jon’s DJ booth, and deposited a truly foul gift onto the premises before taking her leave.
Now, I know what you’re thinking; you were hoping this would be a video of Jon speaking on a microphone at the gig and calling her out to the crowd. That would, indeed, be far more cathartic than Jon relaying the story to us above, but the deadpan manner with which he relays and riffs upon this experience is so hilarious that it doesn’t even matter. Suggesting that this could have been on her bucket list is honestly more than enough in the way of retribution.
The best part, however, is the PSA he gives about how to poop; namely, if you need to poop, go dispel it in a toilet. Jon probably wasn’t expecting to pass such wisdom onto the public, and judging by the stats, he shouldn’t have to. According to the World Health Organization, zero percent of the population of the United Kingdom were reported as practicing open defecation as of 2022.
Of course, the nuances of this particular study deserve scrutiny. Was this based on a census or survey of some kind? Did the WHO representatives go door to door and ask everyone if they “practiced open defecation?” If so, of course your stats are going to come up empty. This then raises the question of how one would even collect such data. Would you have to plant sleeper agents in various radii across the country, only ever activating them when someone takes a dump in a place they’re not supposed to so that the evidence can be covertly recorded? What would be the budget for such a task force?
Anyway, there’s probably a better use of your time than thinking too hard about that, so carry on. Kudos to you, Jon, for spreading awareness, and kudos to you, mystery pooper, for reminding many of us that we’re doing just fine, all things considered.