‘Someone gotta pay’: Poorly placed Amazon package makes an attempt on a poor woman’s life

Standing at approximately six inches tall and a foot wide, the North American Amazon package is notable for its distinct black-and-brown coat, and the long-range pheromone that induces an anticipatory trance in its potential victims.

In the overwhelming majority of cases, the North American Amazon package preys upon dopamine, using its product-shaped lure to ensnare its victims and enact a sort of bargain, wherein the victim gets a bottle of lotion, and the package drinks in the brief-to-the-point-of-contrived satisfaction. But every now and again, they will opt for a full-on rushdown strategy and feed directly on the victim’s flesh instead. TikTok‘s @teewhitfield1945 is the latest to survive such an attack, and the incident has been captured for the world to see.

As you can see, Tiara emerges from her shelter, ostensibly to engage in some form of social ritual undertaken by humans, and places her feet down on the first step of the porch, not realizing that an eager North American Amazon package is lying in wait outside of its natural habitat (that being “inside the fence… never on the top step,” according to one of Tiara’s replies to a comment). As a result, she steps on the package, and the struggle is on.

With predatorial agility the package wrangles Tiara away from her center of gravity, tipping her towards a nearby empty garbage can (a familiar biome for the North American Amazon package, albeit often reserved for when they’re finished feeding rather than in the middle of it). Sure enough, she falls right in, after which the garbage can itself tips over, sending Tiara and her cardboard assailant crashing to the ground. Her frustration — and disbelief — is as subtle as it is towering.

As is always the case with any misfortune that gets posted to social media, the comments were divided on how to respond to this. Some insisted that it wasn’t Amazon’s fault that this package placement bruised Tiara up so bad, and they lazily chewed her out for not being more careful (this, in spite of the fact that, again, Tiara specified in the delivery instructions to never put a package on the top step). Others questioned why this porch didn’t have any railings on it, while others were simply happy to report that this video had them hooting and hollering.

Now, we’ve all been there; simple instructions aren’t followed, and so you have to go a bit out of your way to acquire your package, assuming it hasn’t gotten stolen on account of the drivers’ mishap. Tiara’s incident is among the worst-case scenarios, as she could have gotten seriously hurt because of the driver’s failure to read her instructions.

As it turns out, though, the drivers themselves face similar dangers on a much more frequent basis. According to Albrecht Law, 20 percent of all Amazon delivery drivers suffered a work-related injury in 2021, ranging from slipping and/or tripping on clients’ land, overexerting themselves on account of the weight of the package, and being bitten by dogs. They also run the risk of being involved in motor vehicle crashes during commutes.

At the end of the day, though, nature doesn’t play by any rules, so if you go about your online shopping spree without preparing for the North American Amazon package to potentially choose violence, it doesn’t matter whose fault it is at that point; your leg is going to pay either way.