‘Speculum checkulum has my vote’: Women weigh in on endlessly better names for ‘Pap smear’

There are quite a few unpleasant medical procedures women endure on a regular basis, and the pap smear is one of the worst.

For the uninformed, a pap smear is intended to check for cervical cancer, and involves a doctor using something akin to a pocket-sized car jack to crank you open so they can get a cell sample. It’s deeply unpleasant, and unfortunately recommended every three years for any woman between the ages of 21 and 30. We’re promoted to a whole new round of uncomfortable tests once we’re over 30, of course, but this story is about Pap smears – which, on top of the unpleasant process, sports a distinctly unappealing name. Just the addition of “smear” is enough to turn any stomach, and — when paired with such a disagreeable process — it simply feels unfair. Which is precisely why TikTok user @artsnhorsin requested that we, as women, “put our heads together and come up with a name that isn’t pap smear.”

And boy howdy did the web respond. Most notably in the form of fellow TikToker @casstherockwillson, who provided a fitting and utterly hilarious list of alternatives that will make any visit to the gyno feel a bit more freeing. Who needs one of those gross “smear” tests when you can get a “speculum checkulum,” “fanny scanny,” or “disrobe-n-probe?”

These far superior names — among others — soon drew a crowd, who then chimed in with their picks for the top choice. Speculum checkulum was an oft-referenced favorite, alongside “disrobe-n-probe” and, of course, “swab-a-gal’s coot canal.” There were even a few additional options tossed in, with major competitors “clam exam” and “scoot & scrape” joining the list.

Hilariously, the most widespread conversation the video prompted wasn’t about the exam itself, but Cassie’s assertion that, once the exam is completed, “you get a little beveragino as a treat.”

“WHO IS GETTING REFRESHMENTS AFTER,” user Kiki asked, voicing what nearly everyone in the comment section was thinking. The same question pops up frequently, as many women wonder why they’re getting the short end of the gyno stick. The majority of us echo user Kaela when she asks “Excuse me who’s getting DRINKS,” since we’re not among the privileged visitors who get rewards for our discomfort.

At least we’ve got a new name for the process, to carry us through the next 50 years of unpleasant feminine procedures.