‘Too stunned to do anything’: FedEx driver is beset by the world’s fastest porch pirate mid-way through a drop-off

If there’s one thing on this Earth that’s all but impossible to overvalue, it’s the element of surprise. Indeed, it’s one thing to be totally unpredictable, but it’s quite another to be able to time your unpredictability so as to leave your adversaries and rivals in the dust for as long as possible as they recover from your spontaneity.

And so even when the element of surprise is used for evil, it’s hard not to applaud the mechanical accomplishment of a well-calculated surprise. This is much to the dismay of the latest unfortunate FedEx driver to grace the feeds of TikTok, as he’s now had to face an unfair share of scrutiny here.

Distributed by @pubity courtesy of ViralHog, our poor FedEx driver strolls up nonchalantly to the front door and places a small package at the doorstep of his customer before ringing the doorbell. Not so much as a split-second passes before a hooded porch thief casually accosts the driver, scooping up the package in one fell swoop and fleeing the scene as quickly as he arrived.

The driver is frozen in disbelief. He chuckles at first, perhaps thinking that this porch thief is a resident, as few people would be bold enough to pull off a heist like this one. But then you can see the reality of the event dawn on him moments later, and even then, his mind is moving at a million miles a minute trying to process what just happened. His customer than answers the door, and all he can do is tell them the truth while eliciting a few more cope-coded chuckles.

Commenters were divided on how to respond to this one. Surprisingly, only a few pointed their fingers at the thief himself, as most everyone else was probably too enamored by his penchant for surprise to outrightly blame him. As for reactions to the FedEx driver, one of the top comments reprimanded him by suggesting that a UPS driver would have clobbered the thief right in the face, rather than just stand there as he did. Others were chewing him out for not keeping the package in his hands while waiting for the customer, and others still simply felt bad about his situation, as he likely had an awkward discussion with his employers soon after.

Of course, if delivery drivers got a talking-to for every stolen package, they’d probably end up spending more time in their supervisors’ offices than on the road. According to Security.org, over 58 million Americans have been subjected to package theft in the last year, and the collective worth of said stolen packages clock in at $12 billion. Kentucky, North Dakota, Nebraska, Iowa, and Alaska are the country’s hotbeds for package theft.

This, of course, implies a secret guild of package thieves that exist to undermine the online retail industry and grow the larceny sector of the economy in turn. This particular package thief, in all likelihood, is gunning for a promotion in the guild, and you of course can’t do that without displaying a willingness to innovate, and what is innovation if not stealing a package in arm’s reach of the delivery guy in broad daylight?