True Blood Review: “Whatever I Am, You Made Me” (Season 5, Episode 3)

Okay, where should I even begin? The amount of plot threads and character issues that we’re dealing with in True Blood practically doubled in this episode, so let me see if I can keep these straight. In this episode, we’re introduced to:

-Jason’s old school teacher, who is probably the reason he has sex with everything

-Salome (Valentina Cervi), the sexy vampire chancellor who is harder to pin down than a fly

-Andy’s bare butt, which makes its debut on Facebook

-People who still care enough about Debbie to search for her

Let’s try to straighten some of that out here. First of all, the cat is out of the bag, as a whole new group of Bon Temps regulars know that Tara is a vampire. Sam, Arlene and Alcide all know now, and none of them are happy about it (neither am I, but I’ve never been happy with her). Luckily, towards the end of the episode, she tries to kill herself in a tanning bed, so hopefully Pam will ignore that little ping she felt and let her die.

The search for Debbie Pelt, led by her parents, ends with Sookie telling Alcide that she killed her. Before she can stop him, he storms off in a rage, and no one knows whether he intends on spreading the word or not. Lafayette, who is already freaking out about turning his beloved cousin into a fanger, is facing a return of that big ugly blue brujo again. Remember that little storyline? Yeah, it got brought up too.

Bill and Eric, before they can leave on their hunt for Russel Edgington (who is sorely missing from the season so far), are fitted with their fancy new iStakes, which are basically stakes that can be activated remotely in case they should get into trouble or try to betray the Authority. Also, they are both seduced by Salome to test their loyalty to the cause. Salome is another great addition to the cast, but seeing as there are already more vamps, wolves, shifters, faeries, and plain old humans than there are Pokemon, I think it’s okay to stop bringing in newbies. Unless we kill off a few of the stale characters, that is (looking at you Arlene, Tara, etc.).

Jason runs into one of his old teachers (Melinda Page Hamilton) who he apparently slept with when he was way younger. After doing it again, he has the realization that their relationship was wrong and it has since caused him to try and fill the emptiness in his life with sex. Whoa. That’s a tad bit depressing, even if it is one of Jason’s more intelligent revelations.

Jessica makes an appearance as well after smelling faerie blood in a young man (who has a whopping 16 sisters). This, coupled with Sookie using her fancy little faerie powers on Pam, seems to hint at a resurrection of the faerie world storyline as well.

Also, we finally see how and why Eric turned Pam. Apparently, she was literally crazy for him, slitting her wrists and practically forcing him to turn her. And remember those whores of hers that were being drained left and right? That was Bill and his lovely maker doing that, chronicling the first time that the epic Bill/Eric duo came together.

Missing this week is Terry, whose storyline was building up to be quite interesting. Steve Newlin was given much too little camera time, adding to my already grumpy attitude towards this episode. If Tara isn’t dead by the end of the next episode, then something is seriously wrong.

That cohesion that I mentioned in the last review is pretty much out the window at this point. True Blood has stopped being a show focused on interesting main characters supported by fantastic secondary players, and instead is becoming a chronicle of everybody’s life in Bon Temps.

Tonight’s episode was all over the place, and whether some stories were missing or just being introduced, I couldn’t bring myself to care about more than half of them. Hopefully the show can tighten up its focus and bring back the characters people love (more Newlin and Edgington, please).