Oh you rascal, Mike. Did you really think you would be able to maintain a stable relationship while all this tail is running around, stroking your abs like they’ll cure whatever venereal disease they’ve got that week? This is the Jersey Shore, and practically everybody saw Mike pulling the chute soon. I don’t know how many viewers expected it to only last a week, however. Seriously man, one week? Come on, at least go for two to make it look like you tried.
Obviously, the biggest event of the night was Mike’s decision to dump Paula. While out with the guys, he asks a few girls what not to do when breaking up with a girl, most likely because they break up with him before he gets the chance to do it himself. When they explain not to do it over the phone, he looks genuinely surprised, like the thought had never crossed his mind before. Instead, he decides to do it while she’s at work, which is probably the worst place to take care of that nasty business. Just make sure it’s done on a Friday to avoid confrontations.
Of course, Mike can’t get through this without the rest of the house giving him hell for it. Vinny and Pauly go all in and make Mike a shirt that says “Let’s make it unofficial.” After asking Paula out in the dumbest way possible, it was inevitable that this would happen, and I’m willing to bet there will be more than a few people wearing a similar shirt within a week. They also make sure to grab front row seats to the show at the tanning salon, which leads to one of their funniest conversations. “Is the movie starting?” “This movie sucks, I want my money back!”
The break up itself is pretty uneventful, sadly. Mike breaks the news to Paula that he wants to “like…go back to, y’know…how we used to…y’know…like, be and stuff, right?” Listening to this idiot stutter through every statement is painful since a toddler could articulate their thoughts more coherently. But once Mike stammers out his feelings to Paula, she just nods and goes with it. Maybe she didn’t hear him correctly? Anyways, they make out through the rest of the brutal break up, so apparently they’re A-OK.
Couple things about that. First, Mike decided to grab a tan before doing the deed. Probably the smartest decision, but that’s a bit low. My girlfriend’s a nurse, so that’s the equivalent of going to get treated by her and then as I walk out the door letting her know she’s back to booty call status, which is precisely what Mike does. Paula apparently has no problem with being a phone number with a good body, so more power to the happy couple I guess.
Other than Gym-Tan-Break Up With Paula, there wasn’t too much happening on Jersey Shore this week. Snooks is feeling more and more isolated from the group because of her pregnancy, so Jenni plans a baby shower to help her feel better. Snooki wants Jionni and Vin to make up so that they can be in the same room without wanting to get all alpha male on each other. It’s also been decided that Mike is not invited to the wedding, which is fantastic considering his best man speech would be horrendous: “Yo dawg, like…y’know? When you get married and, like, it’s like sex on the reg, yo? Like that, like that!”
The gang also begins to wonder why everybody’s significant others spend so much time at the house while Jionni rarely shows up. Like they say, his future wife is pregnant with his fanged/winged spawn, and the best he can do is show up every now and then? No sir, you’ve got to be responsible for the end of the world you impregnated your lady with. No more sneaky dickens for Jionni.
Jersey Shore decided to go the uneventful route this week, but at least Mike and Paula’s “relationship” ended on a good note. Jionni and Vin talking it out sounds like the next episode (which airs in two weeks) should be quite interesting. Will either of them man up and compromise, or will there just be another fight that will get hyped up only to not be a huge deal? Another day at the Jersey Shore has gone by mostly uneventfully, but at least Mike’s fake relationship provided an entertaining hour or two.