Next Tuesday, hearts, candy, and roses abound, but what if you’re single AF? When is our day? Who’s gonna take us out to dinner and whisper sweet nothings? We’re here for you. Just curl up with one of our suggestions of movies to watch this Valentine’s Day if you’re single AF and order a heart-shaped pizza. At least there probably won’t be an engagement ring in it, so there’s a plus.
Die Hard with a Vengeance
Okay, hear me out. I know this isn’t typical V-Day fare, but I’d argue this film is the perfect fit for salty singles trying to ignore the cloying romance drenching the spring season’s worst holiday. Besides, Bruce Willis got his start in comedic and romantic roles, so it almost counts as an off-color rom-com, doesn’t it?
John McClane has been action’s favorite asshole from the very start, but I would argue Vengeance provides him at his most miserable. For the down in the dumps singles among us, the relatability of John’s increasingly prevalent affair with alcoholism — “One step. One step.” — paired with his delightfully catty relationship with Samuel L. Jackson’s Zeus might just be the perfect antidote for a lonely evening. To top it off, the film is utterly punishing for John — who, overall, deserves it — and contains some of the franchise’s best (and most absurd) action sequences, making it a delightful ride from start to stop. Who doesn’t want to see John, absolutely marinating in cynicism and sheer resentment at the world, traipse through New York with a constantly irate SLJ at his side? That’s Valentine’s Day gold, in our books.
You can enjoy Die Hard with a Vengeance for yourself with a premium subscription to Hulu or Amazon Prime, or you can rent it for just under $3. What we’d really recommend, if you’re shelling out cash anyway, is snatching up the entire Die Hard bundle — sorry to subject you to Live Free or Die Hard — for the reasonable price of $50. That’s ten bucks a film, and in return, you get hours of undeniably addictive action, and John irritating his way through a handful of film’s greatest villains.
La Flor
Listen, you’re single AF on Valentine’s Day, and it’s totally reasonable to feel down about it, so why not take your free time to conquer the third-longest film of all time and have bragging rights, alongside an amazing icebreaker for future dates, when you finish? There is no way people won’t be at least a little impressed that you sat through thirteen hours and twenty-three minutes of record-breaking Argentinian cinema. It’s even available on Amazon Prime, making it easy to track down. So what are you waiting for?
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
My entry is Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. Because Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is the answer to every question. My co-workers here know this and have had to hear me bring the film up at various times while they roll their eyes (can’t imagine why, it’s the best movie ever, in fact it’s the only movie. Every one else can go home. Don’t call us, we’ll call you). You can watch BTVD on your birthday, Valentine’s Day, Christmas Day, Presidents’ Day, your dad’s birthday. If you’re single AF, you’ll enjoy it even more, as waking up with the barrel of a gun in your mouth after a night of love perhaps wouldn’t happen if one chose to sleep alone. So single folks can pat themselves on the back. You’re ahead of the game.
Ready or Not
Definitely watch Ready or Not. A new bride quickly finds out how being married isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. On her wedding night, a “fun” family game turns into life or death when they play hide and seek. It is a hilariously insane ride and will make you thank the good Lord that you’re single. The movie stars Samara Weaving, Adam Brody, and Mark O’Brien.
Revenge (2017)
Being single on the most romantic day of the year isn’t easy for anyone. While you’re missing a fairy tale romance showered with roses and champagne and wandering off to a faraway island with your loved one, there is one movie that is bound to drag you back to reality. This is the 2017 Coralie Fargeat movie, Revenge, a chilling tale of a young woman named Jen who while vacationing with her boyfriend on a private island meets an unimaginably brutal fate. She is sexually assaulted, gaslighted, and literally pushed to her death by three men, one of whom is her boyfriend. Given the vast amount of gore and sexual mutilations, the movie undoubtedly raises the bar for a thriller genre that centers around toxic relationships. While this might not come across as the ideal Valentine’s watch for some, it will definitely make you feel lucky to be single, if only for a day.
Army of Darkness
“Just me baby. Just me.”
Nothing can slap(stick) you out of a funk quite like Bruce Campbell’s magnificent performance as Ash in Army of Darkness. Braggadocios and full of one-liners, hysterical gore, and action scenes, if you’re single this Valentine’s Day, let Sam Raimi’s ultimate slapstick romp take you for a ride that will have you churning out only happy tears of laughter. Campbell’s utterance of the quote above will kick your head and heart into gear to remember you’re one of a kind. And it’s a superb reminder to not take things too seriously, and put in the work to do the best with the hand (pun intended) you’re dealt.
Audition (1999)
Despite what Hallmark wants you to believe, being in love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and Audition is here to remind you that having no romantic relationship is better than a bad one.
When widower Shigeharu Aoyama holds auditions to find a new wife, he meets and falls in love with Asami Yamazaki. However, Asami is not what she seems, and events soon spiral out of control. Audition was directed by Takashi Miike, who uses this film to display his legendary love of gore. So, by the time the end credits roll, you’ll be far too queasy to eat chocolate or touch another human being, turning your dateless status into a welcome relief.
Scream
The weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day can be full of entertainment options and streaming platforms focusing on all things fairytale-esque and romantic. For the romantically disinclined, the onslaught can be almost sickeningly sweet, and when you’re single AF, nobody has time for that. So what better way to celebrate your eternal party-of-one status than diving into one of the most iconic slasher films of all time? That’s right — we’re spending this Valentine’s Day with Ghostface.
Scream has just the right balance of horror, sarcasm, and sex appeal to fit the Valentine’s Day mold most unconventionally. With the painfully handsome Skeet Ulrich leading the charge, Scream focuses on an attractive and alternative group of friends as they attempt to escape the horror plaguing their small town. Aren’t all of us embracing our singleness, trying to escape the romantic plague of the holiday? Talk about relatable.
Lest we forget, one of the most romantic and iconic lines in entertainment came from Scream in the form of Billy Loomis as he snuck through Sidney’s window.
“The Exorcist was on; it got me thinking of you.” Be still our beating hearts!
You’d be hard pressed to find someone who hasn’t had a crush on Skeet at some point during their lives. Whether Loomis is your pop culture valentine this year or if the idea of romance makes you so sick that your sole focus is on his becoming Ghostface, there’s still one hell of an argument to be made that Scream is the ultimate single AF Valentine’s Day watch option.
After Hours
You can think of this sometimes-overlooked Martin Scorsese gem as the anti-date-night movie. This is Us’ Griffin Dunne stars as Paul Hackett, a button-down computer programmer who thinks he’s scored a dream date with SoHo artist Marcy (played by Rosanna Arquette). But the dream quickly becomes a nightmare when Paul loses his money, his date, and nearly his will to live during a series of misadventures that nearly lead to his death at the hands of a mob of SoHo locals. A perfect combo of a screwball comedy and a film noir, After Hours is more than enough to make you swear off dating and be glad you’re spending the night at home by yourself.
Amélie
Besides the stylish cinematography and fantasy elements, Amélie is the perfect Valentine’s watch for singletons because it emphasizes the beauty in solitude. The protagonist defies the results of a gloomy childhood and dedicates her time to making others around her happy, all while gaining pleasure from the little things in life. The film is also set in a beautiful village in the romantic city of Paris. What better way to feel the love while wrapped around a snug blanket and enjoying a glass of champagne?
Cold Mountain
Cold Mountain is the tale of a troubled confederate soldier named Inman and his quest to reunite with a long-lost love. It’s a Civil War-era retelling of The Odyssey starring Jude Law, Nicole Kidman, and Renee Zellweger (who won a best actress Oscar for her role). It’s romantic, sure, but it’s also incredibly tragic, so don’t forget the tissues.
King Kong (2005)
For those of you who aren’t aware, Peter Jackson’s King Kong is a perfect movie. Should I ever come across the necessary time and spreadsheets to explain why this is the case, I will be happy to do so. For now, it’s imperative that you understand that I will go to bat for this movie in absolutely any context.
And yes, “absolutely any context” includes making Peter Jackson’s King Kong your film of choice if you’re going solo this Valentine’s Day. Putting aside the fact that the titular simian succumbs to his death because of love (spoiler alert, by the way), if you’re like me and proudly wear the unrecognized glory of Jackson’s King Kong on your sleeve, “lonely” probably isn’t a nuance you’re unfamiliar with; the rest of the team never misses a chance to remind me that, as far as the population of our staff goes, I’m the token apostle of this movie.
If you’re single this Valentine’s Day, toss on King Kong and take solace in how it reminds us that not only can love be deadly, but that loneliness is often accompanied by some of life’s most important causes. When the cause happens to involve holding up Jackson’s masterpiece as the unadulterated cinematic paragon that it is, well, that only reflects the nobility of our loneliness with every passing rewatch.
See you on Skull Island, fellow kongers.
Fatal Attraction
Feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day? Too much of a reminder that it’s the annual Singles Awareness Day? Hollywood has been teaching us for years that being alone is not so bad. Not only do you get to save money every Feb. 14, but you avoid potential trouble for you, your loved ones, and your rabbits.
Have we learned nothing from Fatal Attraction? If Michael Douglas’ Dan Gallagher had gotten a divorce, maybe have done some soul searching along the way, instead of hooking up with Alex Forrest (Glenn Close), the infamous rabbit would have lived a full, happy life. So if you’re down about being single, remember that the alternative is to get involved with a psychotic stranger. #staysingle/savetherabbits.
The Love Witch
The Love Witch is a masterclass in aesthetics, paying homage to campy Technicolor films from the 1960s and 1970s. When you’re not busy oohing and ahhing at how pretty everything looks, you’ll be enamored by a witch who stops at nothing to craft the love she thinks she deserves. This film is more akin to a horror-comedy than a romance, and all the better for it. For multiple reasons, you’ll be reminded being single can be a blessing in disguise. After watching so many ill-fated romances in one film, you might swear off dating for good.
Published: Feb 10, 2023 09:38 pm