Camilla jets out of the U.K. and clues us in on the truth of Charles’ cancer battle

Buckingham Palace is now a ghost ship. King Charles is out of action as he undergoes cancer treatment, Kate Middleton has vanished, William is cancelling appearances for fuzzily defined “personal reasons“, Harry and Meghan are persona non grata, and now Queen Camilla has packed her bags and hopped on a plane for some ‘me time’.

The Queen Consort has jetted out of the U.K. for “rest and relaxation” and, after dealing with the familial nightmare that is the Royal family in 2024, who can blame her for wanting to put her feet up and sip a Mai Tai? She leaves behind a skeleton crew of working Royals, which currently appears to be fronted by Jeffrey Epstein’s best bud, the perma-smirking Prince Andrew. Yay.

Time to jet

There’s no official word from Camilla on why now specifically is the best time to get the heck out of dodge, but her departure does fill in a few blanks in the Royal jigsaw. For one, we can at least surmise that Charles is not about to die. That dampens the persistent rumors that the Palace’s refusal to confirm the type of cancer Charles is a subtle indication the situation is more serious than they have let on.

For example, if Charles was suffering from pancreatic cancer (as the gossip mill insists) he may have had just weeks to live. So, the fact that Camilla feels able to leave him to vacay on her own means he’s not at Death’s door. Now, Charles may be on Death’s street or making a three-point turn into Death’s driveway, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going upstairs right away.

All that said, taking a solo tropical vacation while your significant other is undergoing cancer treatment is a bit sus. It’s safe to say this has been noted by the British public, many of whom will have personal experience with exactly this kind of situation:

But hey, we don’t have to smile before the world’s press while standing shoulder to shoulder with the repellent Prince Andrew, so we’re prepared to cut Camilla a little slack.

Camilla beating a hasty retreat to somewhere more sunny and pleasant than London in March may also give us some vaguer clues on the William and Kate situation. Presumably, the inner core of Royals know precisely what’s going on with the pair, so we can be relatively certain there won’t be any bombshell announcements this week confirming that she’s in a coma or that William is in danger of being dragged away in handcuffs.

Reading the leaves

But while Camilla’s vacation may indicate that reports of behind-the-scenes drama are exaggerated, this hasn’t stopped conspiracies from growing. For example, reports have pointed to £80 million in Royal jewelry going missing, some of which were in Camilla’s possession.

Could this somehow be linked to the mysterious death of Thomas Kingston? Can we read into the apparent sight of bruises on William’s neck? Has Camilla hot-footed it out of the country with diamond rings duct-taped to her thighs to start a new life as Queen of the international criminal underworld?

Probably not, but in the realms of wild Royal fanfiction Camilla pulling a Saltburn-style caper on the Windsors and making a swift Lord Lucan-style exit as the flames rise behind her private jet is at least fun to imagine. If this dream were true I just hope she got to put on ‘Murder on the Dancefloor’ and throw some triumphant shapes around Balmoral before packing her bags and calling an Uber to the airport.

Whatever the real reasons for Camilla’s vacation, and whatever it tells us about the internal dynamics of this odd family, we can at least say it’s looking like something of a PR nightmare. Anyone abandoning their cancer-stricken spouse for a luxurious solo tropical break would be met with raised eyebrows, let alone when you’re leaving the King of England alone for his treatment.

In the meantime, we imagine that the Royal courtiers are walking around some very quiet gilded corridors as the staterooms collect dust. Queen Elizabeth famously said the Royals “have to be seen to be believed”, and with so many ducking out of the spotlight, we have to wonder how long it’ll be before people start asking if spending millions of pounds on this dysfunctional and secretive soap opera is good value for money.