How to rent Gwyneth Paltrow’s Airbnb in Montecito

How would you like to sleep just a few (hundred) yards away from Gwyneth Paltrow?

No, we haven’t developed another ill-fated plan to climb her fence while reading our screenplay through a bullhorn — we mean in her guest house, while she and her husband presumably hide inside a bank vault in the much larger domicile nearby.

Let us explain: Paltrow recently posted to Instagram a video announcing a new initiative with Airbnb where she’s renting out her luxurious guest house in Montecito, California, to one or two guests for a single night in September.

Honestly, “Loneliness is a human condition” is a pretty dire way to start a post that promises access to a medicine cabinet stocked with collagen superpowder. But then, Paltrow has always been far beyond focus-grouping her messaging for the masses. (“Just get an IV when you have a hangover, People Toeing the Poverty Line!”) At least there will be a host of Goop products to reduce worry wrinkles while planning your strategy for “running into Gwyneth” along the garden path.

What are the details?

Per the video, Paltrow and her husband, Brad Falchuk, are committing to having dinner with her one-night-only guest(s), but that’s all. And not even in their dining room — in their wine room, which to be fair is nicer than your dining room.

Apparently, Paltrow’s guests can even pick the wine that night, though something tells us she’ll have the staff remove any bottle worth more than $500 before allowing the poors to come over.

Her guests presumably will spend the rest of the time trying to sneak pictures of the main house while “hiking.” Or, they might relax in the actor’s massive swimming pool while wondering just what the hell they are doing so wrong that they can’t afford any of this for themselves.

As noted in the post, booking doesn’t begin until Aug. 15 at 10 a.m. PST. Also, the stay is only for the night of Sept. 9. Pricing has not yet been revealed, but how much could a night with the Paltrows possibly cost? (Said in the pitch of Lucille Bluth.) It’s also unclear how the winner(s) will be selected. We can only assume there is a ridiculous screening process involved, as well as a 50-page contract that essentially says you can’t put out cigarettes on Paltrow’s couch or call her “Pepper” or whatever.

All ribbing aside, Paltrow is known among Los Angelenos as being genuinely kind to the common folk — if a bit aloof — so the energy she’s giving in the video isn’t put on. Life just seems to be really this good for her.

And while we don’t begrudge anyone who’s looking to unwind for doing it at a lovely estate in Southern California, it’s hard not to see Airbnb’s new promotion as a little tone-deaf at a time when income disparities are worse than they’ve ever been and housing prices are through the roof.

Starting to sweat thinking about your life choices? Don’t worry, there’s a pore-refining tonic by Goop for just that kind of existential crisis. You’ll find it next to the soaking tub.