If all goes to plan Prince William will one day take the big job. Just like his father, he’s spent a lifetime as the heir to the British throne and, with King Charles now battling cancer, there’s a chance he could be stepping up much sooner than anticipated.
But what does a lifetime of being told you’re the most special boy do to a human brain? Well, Kate Middleton’s unexplained absence saw many lurid theories about William spread over the internet, with some even believing he’d killed his wife and was covering it up.
So let’s go over the worst things William can credibly be said to have done over his 41 years on Earth. Just as with his brother Harry and other Royals we’ll be assigning each wrongdoing a numerical score, allowing us to eventually reveal the worst member of the Royal family (which, let’s face it, will almost certainly be Andrew).
1. Beat up toddlers at a nursery school
Yup, William was once known as “Basher Wills” to the terrified children at a nursery school as he would attack anyone who crossed his path. To be clear, William was also a toddler at the time, but seems to have been an especially brutal little boy.
According to the book The Palace Papers he was considered a “brat” by Queen Elizabeth II and his habit of yelling “No one tells me what to do! When I am king I will have you punished!” to his nanny alarmed the palace, who thought they had a real-life Lord Farquaad on their hands. Even the Queen herself stepped in to discipline him:
“In the autumn of 1987, she yanked the five-year-old home from a birthday party following a tantrum when he had not been allowed to blow out the candles on the cake and had expressed his displeasure by throwing sandwiches and ice cream around the room.”
He later calmed down and we don’t want to judge a preschooler on morality, so we’ll go easy on him this time.
Wrongdoing rating: 1/10
2. Blanked his little brother at school
In Spare Prince Harry details some rather cruel behavior from William at Eton College. When arriving Harry was a nervous first-year student he felt “way over my head” and looked to his big brother for some advice and reassurance. William’s response to his scared sibling was to tell him to pretend he didn’t know him.”
As Harry said, his very presence at Eton seemed to annoy William:
“For Willy, it was pure agony to wear the same blazer, the same tight shorts, as me. And now, to attend the same school, was pure murder. I told him not to worry. I’ll forget I ever knew you.
You’ve got to have a cold heart to blank a homesick and nervous sibling at school.
Wrongdoing rating: 3/10
3. Told his brother it’d be hilarious if he dressed up as a Nazi
The whole Nazi costume thing is ultimately Prince Harry’s fault, nobody forced him to go out in public dressed like a genocidal fascist. However, William appears to have at minimum contributed to the 2005 controversy.
As detailed in Spare, Harry sought his brother’s opinion on whether he should go as an RAF pilot or a Nazi: “I phoned Willy and Kate, asked what they thought. Nazi uniform, they said.” He even modeled it for them: “They both howled. Worse than Willy’s leotard outfit! Way more ridiculous!”
It’s hard not to read this situation as William realizing that Harry was about to embarrass himself and sneakily prodding him on.
Wrongdoing rating: 4/10
4. Dumped his future wife over the phone
William and Kate eventually became a Royal golden couple, but it was a bumpy road getting there. A low point came in 2007 when, six years into their relationship, William became “claustrophobic”.
And so Kate, who was then working at a fashion store, got a call from her boyfriend. She probably answered it expecting some sweetness and affection, but was instead given a ticket to Dumpsville, population: her. Kate then miserably put down her phone and returned to work, with her dreams of becoming a princess evaporating before her very eyes.
The break-up lasted 10 weeks, during which William tried and failed to score. As per the book Battle of Brothers, “a surprising number of young women from his circle turned him down flat”. He eventually came crawling back to Kate and the rest is history.
Dumping your girlfriend of multiple years by phone call? Not cool!
Wrongdoing rating: 5/10
5. Fed a baby rhinoceros and became a hypocrite
In 2016 William was accused of hypocrisy after a photoshoot in India in which he hand-fed an adorable baby rhinoceros. This came as part of a push for animal conservation by William, a cause he shares with his father and younger brother.
But is he just a massive hypocrite? Piers Morgan wrote:
Prince William likes rich people hunting down these same beautiful animals, killing them in often elongated torture sessions, posing for repulsively smug photos next to their rotting carcasses, and then severing their heads for their office walls back home.”
This was in reaction to comments made in which William tacitly supported big game hunting, with Morgan pointing out that:
“At Sandringham alone … there are 62 stuffed animals including two rare rhinos, a leopard, an Indian tiger, the tusks of an elephant and two lions.”
William also goes hunting himself, once taking a Spanish vacation to shoot deer and boars. Individual mileage will vary on whether this is morally right, but promoting animal welfare while also getting your kicks from blasting them to bits with a massive gun is pretty shady. And taking Prince George with you? Ew.
Wrongdoing rating: 5/10
3. Skipped out on Royal duties to get drunk and dance (badly) to hip-hop
In 2017 the Royal family appeared at Westminster Palace for the Commonwealth service. Present was the Queen, Philip, Charles, Camilla, and Harry. So, what important duty kept William from being there? Well uh, he was in Switzerland getting drunk on a skiing trip.
People pointed out that year he’d only undertaken 13 days of royal duties and that, combined with excruciatingly embarrassing videos of him dancing to hip-hop with a mystery woman, saw him dubbed “throne idle”. Kate was apparently “less than pleased” with his antics.
C’mon William, the British people are paying for your fabulously opulent life, do your damn job.
Wrongdoing rating: 3/10
2. Broke COVID lockdown rules
Throughout 2020 the United Kingdom was under strict lockdown rules, with the most severely hit areas under “Tier 3” restrictions prohibiting movement. These applied to everyone and yes, that includes princes.
But in December of that year, in the middle of a tight lockdown, William didn’t seem to care. He and Kate traveled to Scotland anyway, with an official describing the trip as “a slap in the face at a time when people can’t get married, have restricted numbers at funerals, and hospital inpatients aren’t allowed visitors. What exactly makes this essential travel?”
There were even calls for him to be prosecuted for breaking the law, especially as he’d been repeatedly warned against unnecessary travel. Scottish politician Deirdre Brook described him as “irresponsible”.
Wrongdoing rating: 5/10
1. Assaulted his brother
This one’s a little more serious. In Spare. Harry describes a 2019 argument in which William insulted Meghan Markle, calling her “rude”, “abrasive”, and “difficult”. He then attacked Harry:
“It all happened so fast. So very fast. He grabbed me by the collar, ripping my necklace, and he knocked me to the floor. I landed on the dog’s bowl, which cracked under my back, the pieces cutting into me. I lay there for a moment, dazed, then got to my feet and told him to get out.”
Harry says that William quickly apologized, but pointedly told him that he didn’t “need to tell Meg about this.” This sounds like classic abuser behavior and goes a long way toward supporting the rumors that behind closed doors William can display a scary temper.
Wrongdoing rating: 7/10
Conclusion
That puts William on a wrongdoing rating of 33/80, meaning he’s three points worse than his brother Harry. We intentionally left out some of the darker rumors about William, and also his widely reported affair with the Marchioness of Cholmondely because that may just be gossip. We may revisit this score if anything darker emerges from a reputable source.
Up next time: the Big Daddy himself King Charles. And let’s just say his thermoralmometer has had quite a workout over the years.
Published: Apr 17, 2024 09:33 am