Star Wars Finally Reveals Who Really Built The Empire

Most people would credit Emperor Palpatine as the head of Star Wars‘ Galactic Empire. Everyone fears him and jumps at his orders, he has a snazzy looking Imperial Guard and by far the fanciest office on the Death Star. But was it Palpatine who was chairing board meetings, reviewing planning documents and setting departmental budgets? Heck no. And let’s face it, Palpatine being a monstrous near-immortal Sith Lord able to bend others to his evil will also makes him a nightmare for the Empire’s PR department.

That’s where the real brains of the Empire comes in, and new comic Star Wars: Doctor Aphra #36 has just revealed who she is: Imperial Minister Pitina Voor. Once married to an Imperial senator, Voor realized that the Empire’s office culture of stabbing each other in the back and a system of promotion based on people being Force-choked to death doesn’t have long-term prospects. To put it simply, by the time of the Battle of Endor, the Empire was fast running out of soldiers and money.

The new story shows her frustration in trying to keep the Empire stable, explaining that “every world we took cost thousands of troopers and billions of credits. The Empire was being murdered by its own expansion.”

Here’s some more of her doctrine:

“First we show the people the face of chaos. The pirates, the raiders, the mobsters and the monsters. Some are real–most we invent. Anything to make the dumb natives beg for a garrison to save them. Next we show them how perfect their worlds could be in the Emperor’s embrace. Such order, such calm! (I don’t mind telling you: we’ve become extremely gifted at making false smiles look natural.)

And lastly? Oh–just a casual afterthought!–we conspicuously wipe a tear for the worlds that said ‘No.’ These days, two our of three conflicts resolve without a single shot fired. You understand? I have saved this regime. I have built a culture that transcends the clenched first. I have nursed this Empire with a lie, in the expectation that eventually it will become a truth: harmony and prosperity are the rewards of those who submit. And he. Is ruining. Everything.”

Ugh, if it’s a choice between space neo-conservatives and the Emperor, I’ll take ol’ Palps any day of the week – at least you know where you stand with him.

She goes on to complain that:

“Nobody ever volunteered to embrace a savior whose only joy is watching his pet cyborg snap throats.”

That’s really unfair: Palpatine also found joy in frying people with force lightning. Man, Voor sounds like a real buzz kill. Let’s hope she was on the second Death Star when it exploded.