I like to think I know my audience here pretty well.
You like Star Wars. You like superheroes. You like horror. And obviously, above all else, you love crappy, soft porn bondage movies targeted at horny housewives, right? That’s why I know you’re going to go crazy for this teaser trailer for Fifty Shades Freed, which follows in the footsteps of 2015’s smash hit Fifty Shades of Grey (currently sitting pretty at 26% on the Tomatometer, which means it’s objectively exactly as good as Suicide Squad), and this year’s Fifty Shades Darker (plumbing to a deeply erotic new RT depth of 10%, and taking a steamy 80% less at the box office than its predecessor).
Though the full trailer is expected to land on Monday, this teaser gives us more than enough to go on when it comes to the final instalment in the Fifty Shades franchise. For example, we can say with certainty that some characters, will at some point, go underwater, that there will be a jet ski scene, that someone will drive a car slightly dangerously and, shockingly, someone will kiss a woman who is blindfolded. I know, right? Hot stuff.
Naturally, fans of the franchise are all a-quiver. On Twitter, nickyjane68 commented:
OMG I just scream so loudly when I saw this, people at work wondered what was wrong
— ❤❤ Nicky ❤❤ (@nickyjane68) November 3, 2017
So, it’s clearly doing the business for Fifty Shades fans, people for whom a couple of seconds of disconnected footage can inspire disturbing screams of delight. You can only wonder what kind of reaction this guy will have when the full trailer drops next week (I’d advise bringing a spare pair of boxers to work).
Only time will tell whether Fifty Shades Freed can outdo its predecessors and get an even fiercer critical mauling. 6%? 5%? 0%? The bottom of the barrel is the limit guys, go for broke!