Fans Are Demanding Universal Release The Secret Cats Butthole Cut

Some day, perhaps in the not too distant future, we’ll be huddled around a burning trashcan telling stories of the ‘before-times.’ One I’ll love to tell the youngsters is how Universal Pictures spent $100 million on a film adaptation of Cats, populated it with nightmarish, cockroach-eating human/cat hybrids and released it to a baffled and terrified public. And now, with the Blu-ray release of the pic imminent, there’s another twist to this feline tale.

I’m talking buttholes. The internet, hungry for anything to distract itself from the Coronavirus, has seized upon a post by L.A.-based writer Jack Waz, where he claims that:

“A VFX producer friend of a friend was hired in November to finish some of the 400 effects shots in @catsmovie. His entire job was to remove CGI buttholes that had been inserted a few months before. Which means that, somewhere out there, there exists a butthole cut of Cats.”

Were he talking about any other movie, I’d have my doubts, but this is Cats and I can definitely see Tom Hooper deciding that what’d really make his film fizz is cat buttholes, and lots of them. It seems that this completed butthole cut was then screened to (presumably horrified) Universal executives, who demanded that the buttholes be removed immediately and at great expense. I imagine that the poor VFX artist who’d spent months painstakingly rendering said buttholes in the first place was pretty cheesed.

Anyways, following Waz’s post, Cats fans immediately started a hashtag campaign to #releasethebuttholecut, which is now trending on Twitter. Rian Johnson chipped in to say that “#ReleaseTheButtholeCut is exactly what we all need right now,” while other users said “you can keep the Snyder Cut #ReleaseTheButtholeCut” and “our society is collapsing our world is teetering on the edge of utter chaos please please we need this #ReleaseTheButtholeCut.”

I can only concur. If the world really is coming to a standstill, at least let me see a dance sequence where a nude half-cat half-man Idris Elba does a song and dance number while coquettishly flashing his asshole. C’mon Universal, I really need this.

Cats hits Blu-ray on April 7th.