‘Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge’ helping set a record for how quickly a terrible craze can be run into the ground

Did you need to see the residents of Hundred Acre Wood transformed into bloodthirsty murderers in Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey, statistically proven to be one of the worst movies ever made?

Did you then find yourself disappointed that only one Cinderella-themed slasher was in the works, only to rejoice when it transpired that there was actually two of them in production at almost exactly the same time?

Is family-friendly entertainment the bane of your existence, leaving you wishing for the day that Bambi would be reinvented as a ruthless killing machine? If the answer to any of the above is a resounding yes, then first of all f*ck right off, and secondly; feast your eyes on the trailer for Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge.

Hardly hiding its inspirations, the spin on the classic fable has been given the full-blown Blood and Honey treatment, and it looks just awful. If anything, it looks even worse than its spiritual forebear, which is really saying something when that film sucked just as hard as any cinematic abomination has ever sucked.

The fact it turned a massive profit is evidence enough that there’s an inexplicably large audience for these sorts of things, and there are no prizes for guessing what the story entails. Sure enough, it looks like it was cobbled together on about the same budget you’d find by sticking your hand down the back of the couch cushions, but the evidence is terrifyingly there that people are going to make a point of seeking it out. For shame.