Jake Gyllenhaal slapping grown men in parking lots is the ‘Spider-Man’ spinoff we didn’t know we needed

Despite the total lack of interest from the entire world, Sony is pressing ahead with its Spider-Man-less Spider-Man universe in 2024 with the release of two — count ’em, two — new spinoffs about characters Peter Parker occasionally crosses paths with in the comics.

Specifically, we have Dakota Johnson in the fifty shades of unnecessary Madame Web due in February and then former Quicksilver Aaron Taylor-Johnson in August’s Kraven the Hunter (we didn’t see that coming). Somehow, we live in a timeline where an El Muerto movie can be in development but not one where Sony has bothered to bring back one of the best parts of Marvel’s Spider-Man trilogy: Jake Gyllenhaal as the master of manipulation, the guy who spoke about the multiverse before it was cool, Mysterio.

Thankfully, Gyllenhaal is as busy as he’s ever been, and his latest project offers an unlikely way to scratch the itch for those missing Marvel’s Mysterio.

Road House? Gimme a gritty Mysterio spinoff movie, Sony

Jake Gyllenhaal stars in Road House, a mid-budget action thriller based on the cult classic 1980s movie of the same name starring Patrick Swayze. Gyllenhaal plays the brilliantly named Elwood Dalton — from Donnie Darko to Quentin Beck, he’s sure had a career full of characters with colorful names. Dalton is a former UFC fighter who winds up working as a bouncer at a roadhouse, only to discover the place isn’t what it seems.

Social media is going crazy for the movie, which promises more of Gyllenhaal in his Southpaw mode, ably supported by The Suicide Squad fave Daniela Melchior, Billy “I Play That Annoying Guy In That Film You Like” Magnussen, and actual MMA legend Conor McGregor.

Whatever its quality, at least we know Road House will be better than the last time director Doug Liman worked with a Spider-Man star — 2021’s chaotic YA sci-fi Chaos Walking. Even if, ironically, Liman will be boycotting his own movie due to Amazon’s decision to sling it onto streaming.

What Road House is really bringing into sharp focus, though, is just how much the Marvel multiverse has wasted Gyllenhaal’s talents to date. I’m just spitballing here, but imagine a Joker-like solo movie based around a more grounded Mysterio variant. Some kind of violent, street-level vigilante who beats up folks in parking lots with a fishbowl on his head. Don’t lie to me, you know you’d be more intrigued to watch that than either Madame Web or Kraven.

I leave you with the awe-inspiring sight of Jake Gyllenhaal doing his best Brad Pitt in Fight Club impression. Catch Road House on Prime Video from March 21.