Rob: A Scientology Centre With Tom Cruise
Come the apocalypse, there’s only one place I’m heading to – wherever Tom Cruise is. If there’s one thing we all know for a fact, it’s that Tom Cruise does not play by our rules. When the endtimes arrive, he’s heading back to his home planet; and I intend to join him. The constant Cruise satellites that orbit the Earth, tracking the location of wherever Maverick happens to be, are a boon in times of Earth crisis. The aliens that fired him to Earth, Superman-style, can stand to carry a little more cargo when they whisk him off back to whichever planet he was blasted from – I intend to make myself that extra cargo.
Just how the hell would I do this? Simple. As soon as the first signs of the apocalypse hit – constant meteors, the oceans overflowing, ice caps appearing in my garden, planes falling from the sky – I pack up my belongings and move to LA. I quickly, and efficiently, open up a Scientology centre. Nothing too showy; ideal for the publicity-shy Tom Cruise. I staff the facility with Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman-lookalikes, and give myself a Cruise-friendly name – Top Eyes Cock Scientology Centre, or something similarly subtle. Something only the former Frank TJ Mackey would get. I’d play the role of benevolent hypnotist; the role I was born to play – dye my beard grey, buy myself a pocket watch, speak with a German accent.
The Cruise honey trap is set.
When Tom arrives at the end of the world, seeking help from a benevolent hypnotist, I persuade him that I am necessary to his survival. He takes me to his home, which is actually a giant teleporter whose transportation signal is triangulated, and then used to locate Tom to allow easy teleportation into the space craft. I join him aboard his space ship, and as we watch the Earth die we sing songs and reminisce about our respective previous lives; mine as a young boy growing up in Bavaria, learning the craft of hypnotism and, in the process, losing all my friends; his as a preciously talented but completely insane alien worshipper, devoid of boundaries or morality. We’d live the rest our lives aboard said craft, unless we stumble across a human-friendly planet and spend the rest of our lives there.
The arguments have been made! Now it’s your turn, head to the comments section and let us know which celebrity’s gaff you’d wanna spend the Apocalypse in.
And if you liked this Throwdown, maybe you’d like to check out one of our past arguments, such as What Is The Best Cinematic Violent Spree?