Donald Trump is addicted to flattery, so when his doctors tell him he’s aced a cognitive exam, he can’t wait to tell the world. It doesn’t ever seem to have occurred to him that being subjected to repeated examinations to check if his brain is functioning is itself extremely concerning!
It’s worth emphasizing that these cognitive tests are designed to ensure the subject is functioning at baseline human cognition. “Acing” this test isn’t something to be proud of: it’s simply confirmation that your brain is ticking over normally.
All of which leads us to today’s bombshell Trump news. We can confirm that the President of the United States, the leader of the free world, the man with his finger on the nuclear button, can correctly identify… a squirrel! Good work, Donny!
Trump: "No president has ever taken a cognitive test except me. I've taken three of them. One in the first administration. They're hard. The first question is easy. You have a lion, a bear, an alligator, and a squirrel. 'Which is the squirrel?'" pic.twitter.com/DfSHUcafVS
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) May 4, 2026
Trump, glowing with pride, revealed one of the opening questions:
“You have a lion, a bear, an alligator, and a squirrel, okay? ‘Which is the squirrel?'”
Trump then said the following questions “get a little more difficult”. Uh-huh, do they ask you if the cow goes moo?
He went on to insist that the questions at the end of the exam are so hard he can’t imagine that anyone present could answer them. He then proceeded to distract himself and went off on a tangent about “stupid” Gavin Newsom.
The questions Trump doesn’t think anyone but him could answer
Well, we know that Trump is being subjected to the Montreal Cognitive Test, meaning we can just see for ourselves what these supposedly impossible questions at the end of the test are.
The presidential grey matter is apparently being heavily taxed by being asked to identify a common factor between “hammer” and “screwdriver”. Perhaps appropriately given the person boasting about figuring out this conundrum, the answer is “tool”.
Or, alternatively, that the subject can name 11 words beginning with the letter B. Okay, well let’s give it a go: “brainless”, “bumbling”, “blockhead”, “birdbrain”, “blunderer”, “batty”, “buffoon”, “bully”, “barmy”, “backwards”, and “bozo”.
But perhaps Trump is proud of acing the actual final question, which saw his doctor ask him if he knows the date and year, what building he’s in, and what city he’s in. It seems Trump did indeed know this. I mean, I guess between that and knowing what a squirrel is, he’s more than qualified to run an economic superpower.
Wow, let’s get on the phone to CERN, because it sounds like ol’ Trumpy boy is wasted in the White House when he could be uncovering the quantum secrets of the universe.
Published: May 5, 2026 04:30 am