‘WE CANNOT LET THEM LAUGH ANY LONGER’: DONALD TRUMP WOULD NOW LIKE TO END LAUGHTER, PLEASE

You might think, given the sheer madness of the political climate of late, that a touch of levity is exactly what’s needed in this increasingly stupefying presidential race, but Donald Trump wants no such thing. 

It’s been a busy week for the Republican candidate (to put it lightly). Over the last few days, Trump was walloped in his first debate against his opponent Kamala Harris, was subject to criticism levelled by Harris endorser Taylor Swift, and was at the centre of a reported second attempt on his life while golfing in Florida. 

It might be unsurprising, then, that the former president is musing listlessly about the state of the world on his newly (and regrettably) reactivated X page, taking to the platform owned by his bestie to wax philosophical (or nonsensical, depending on who you ask) about immigration, foreign policy, and perhaps most bizarrely, laughter. 

Trump began the lengthy post — which reads like something of a love letter to the caps lock button and racks up 14 lines before a full stop  —  by criticizing the “rhetoric, lies” and “false statements” levelled against him by “Comrade Kamala Harris.” Trump goes on to claim that the multiple criminal cases against him lead to a “a whole new level of Hatred, Abuse, and Distrust” in American politics, and going as far as attributing this to the most recent assassination attempt. 

“Because of this Communist Left Rhetoric, the bullets are flying, and it will only get worse,” Trump wrote, before launching into a kind of immigration fear-mongering that feels fitting for a man who falsely claimed pets were being eaten in Ohio. Trump said allowing “millions of people, from places unknown, to INVADE” is an “ an unpardonable sin”, and described immigrants as “TERRORISTS, CRIMINALS, AND MENTALLY INSANE.”

While it has the whiff of Trump’s “build the wall” sentiment, he did make room for a more sympathetic standpoint on immigration, saying that he does “WANT PEOPLE TO COME INTO OUR COUNTRY, BUT THEY MUST LOVE OUR NATION, AND COME IN LEGALLY AND THROUGH A SYSTEM OF MERIT.”

Like any tangent-happy internal monologue, Trump’s post ends on a note that seems disconnected from the previous train of thought, as he claims the “WORLD IS LAUGHING AT US AS FOOLS.”

“THEY ARE STEALING OUR JOBS AND OUR WEALTH,” he added, “WE CANNOT LET THEM LAUGH ANY LONGER.” Exactly who “them” is remains unclear (clarity isn’t Trump’s strong suit), but we think that perhaps the only thing Trump really needs is laughter. Sure, he attacked Harris for her laugh earlier this year, but maybe a well-earned giggle might give Trump a Monster’s Inc.-style ending, where all the screaming is actually found to be less valuable than laughter. 

Of course, if it weren’t for the heavy implications they carry, many of Trump’s own quotes could be considered laughable in themselves (in an alternate universe, he’s a slapstick comedian), but given what we’ve seen of his actual attempts at sketch comedy, maybe we should leave the laughter to the originator of the coconut tree meme herself.