Sometimes, you have to wonder if Donald Trump is secretly auditioning for a spot in a stand-up comedy, except none of his routines are remotely funny. His ramblings are like that of one uncle who’s had a bit too much to drink at the family barbecue and starts arguing with the garden gnome.
At a recent campaign event, the former President’s deteriorating mental faculties were on full display as he subjected his masochistic audience to yet another round of his patented verbal diarrhea. And on this particular day, the stable genius himself had decided to regale the crowd with a tale so mind-numbingly stupid, it’s hard to believe it wasn’t concocted by a room full of monkeys with typewriters. But no, this is a 100% genuine, uncut Trumpian brain fart, served up fresh from the source.
So apparently, this electric boat story is a rehash of some inane ramble Trump first unleashed on his unfortunate rally attendees back in October 2023. The gist of it is that Joe Biden wants to make all boats electric for environmental reasons, but Trump thinks this is a terrible idea because batteries are heavy and could make boats sink. Uh, okay Donald. Pretty sure actual boat engineers have thought about that already, but sure, regale us with your expert opinions on marine architecture.
Anyway, Trump’s fevered imagination has concocted a scenario where you’re out on your electric boat and suddenly the battery is punctured, electrifying the water around you. Trump posits that you have to make a split-second decision — do you stay on the boat and get electrocuted, or do you jump in the water and get eaten by a shark that is conveniently located exactly ten yards away? Yes, this is a real dilemma that Trump seems to think people will face.
In his infinite wisdom, Trump declares that getting electrocuted is the better option. Gee, thanks for the tip, Donald! But seriously, WHY ON EARTH did his audience have to listen to this drivel? Is Trump just pathologically averse to anything environmentally friendly, like electric motors? Or does he have some deep-seated hatred of sharks that compels him to cast them as the villains in his moronic thought experiments? I’m sure it’s the later, as time and time again, he has publicly expressed his hatred for the poor predator fishes.
And of course, in typical narcissistic fashion, Trump can’t resist patting himself on the back for coming up with this “genius” story. And where does this unparalleled intellect come from, you ask? Why, from his uncle, of course— an MIT professor who passed away in the ’80s but somehow managed to posthumously bestow upon Trump a deep understanding of marine biology, electrical engineering, mechanical engineering, civil engineering, and the intricate workings of the universe itself. But who are we to argue with the man who stared directly into a solar eclipse, suggested injecting disinfectant to cure COVID-19, and claimed that windmill noise causes cancer? (And whether it’s military strategy, economic policy, or the complexities of healthcare, Trump insists that he’s the ultimate authority. “I know more about ISIS than the generals do,” the orange overlord once claimed.)
The smug-faced-genius even compares his boat story to his infamous “snake poem” that he loves to recite at rallies. In the story that Trump would recite, a kind-hearted woman finds a frozen snake on the ground. Feeling pity for the creature, she takes it home, warms it by the fire, and nourishes it back to health. However, once revived, the snake turns on the woman and bites her. As she dies from the venom, she asks the snake why it bit her despite her care. The snake replies, “You knew damn well I was a snake before you took me in.”
Trump frequently uses this allegory to illustrate his views on immigration and foreign policy, as if that story wasn’t also a load of fearmongering, xenophobic tripe. Frankly, it’s amazing that his supporters can still muster the energy to cheer for this crap. I’m half hoping that one day, while Trump is mid-sentence in one of these awful stories, a sinkhole will just open up beneath the stage and swallow him whole, so we never have to hear this nonsense again.
Published: Jun 23, 2024 09:20 am