‘Can’t wait to tell this during my wedding speech’: Man mainlines laxatives to no effect, until disaster strikes when he visits wedding venue

We’ve heard of having butterflies in your stomach when you’re about to get married, but never like this.

TikTok user @fredasquith traumatized the app by sharing a truly trouser-ruining experience of his own that will hopefully teach us all a very valuable lesson: never exceed the recommended dosage. Fred begins his story, as many great storytellers have done before him, by telling us about his bowel movements. Or lack thereof. One night, before going to bed, Fred was in need of some… relief and so took two laxatives, despite the label advising you only take one.

The next morning, there was no change, so Fred decided to give the laxatives a helping hand by loading himself up on muesli — topped with dates, a banana, extra psyllium husk powder, and kefir yogurt to hopefully give his insides that extra kick. And yet it didn’t work. Then, in what is surely one of the bravest moves in human history, Fred elected to hop on a train for three hours, whereupon he downed even more fibrous food — including a grains and greens salad, 25 grapes, and two whole figs. At this point, Fred’s diet for the day is sounding like a nutritionist’s version of the 12 Days of Christmas, but still nothing happened.

But here comes the point of no return, the moment when Fred’s foolhardy hubris proved to be his undoing. The next line in Fred’s story deserves to be recorded among the most gut-wrenching lines in cinema, because as soon as he says it we all know tragedy is just around the corner.

“And then, we go view a wedding venue…” he states, ominously.

Fred explains that this was his and his fiance’s top choice for a wedding venue, so they were very keen to make a “really good impression.” Alas, Fred’s intestines apparently didn’t agree as this was the time his system finally decided to let rip. Joking that he wanted to inspect the venue’s bathroom facilities, Fred raced off to find the restroom — only to find a baby-changing cubicle was all that was available. “The heavens open,” is how our flushed-out friend puts it, before the worst thing that could possibly happen happens. “I look to my left,” he intones.”No toilet roll.”

Luckily, Fred was in the baby-changing cubicle, so he opened the baby-changing table to find… one solitary wipe. Thanks to some judicious and methodical usage of this small square of tissue that Fred blessedly spares us the details of, he emerged 15 full minutes later. “Then I go out and meet the guy who I’m supposed to be dealing with for my wedding for the next nine months,” Fred recalls, “and all he can see on my face… pure trauma.”

So, all in all, a good day and a bad day for poor Fred — he and his bride-to-be found their perfect wedding venue, but he may have scarred the wedding planner for life. In the comments, some question whether the fact the venue wasn’t fully stocked with toilet paper is actually a “red flag” — they are supposed to host parties after all. Others are taking a more empathetic moral from this whole sorry story. As one user summarized: “Be kind to everyone you meet for you don’t know what they are going through.”