‘I just witnessed a crime’: The ick to beat all icks has been revealed, and jail is the only recourse

There are some actions that, while not technically illegal, are so utterly criminal — so despicably inhumane — that there’s no choice but to codify a new law, purely to protect the masses.

Alas, such will surely be required in the wake of TikToker @prestonvstheworld’s truly horrific glimpse into a daily occurrence, as he clues viewers into the actual worst way to apply chapstick. I, like most of you, did not think there was a wrong way to put on chapstick until I witnessed this horror show for myself, but oh how wrong I was.

Look at that absolute monster. The villain, the unashamed malefactor applies chapstick like its intended for the inside of his mouth, and he should never be allowed to touch another stick in his life. It’s for all of our safety.

That poor little tube of lip balm should absolutely press charges, after the actual assault it just endured. It never consented to being smeared over the inner lip of some godless masochist, and — while its label doesn’t specifically state that it’s for external use — there’s simply no excusing the abuse it endured at the hands of a madman.

The video appears to feature a co-worker of the TikToker’s, based on a hashtag included in the caption. With a simple note that “If i had to see it….so should you,” the TikToker destroyed a full seven and a half million days, and quickly prompted demands for an apology, and an explanation. 

An explanation — and an apology, minus the requested tears — soon followed, but it wasn’t nearly enough to satisfy scalded viewers. According to the co-worker in question, he has a cut in his lip, and he was just “trying to get the chapstick” at the right angle, “under” his lip. Thus, a horror show perfectly suited for Halloween was born. 

No amount of explaining, apologizing, or even groveling will save us from witnessing that absolute atrocity, unfortunately, and commenters are not about to forgive and forget. Joking that “the chapstick wants to speak to a trusted adult,” and flawlessly observing that “this is how I picture JD Vance putting chapstick on,” viewers quickly flooded the comment section with hilarious takeaways that almost (almost) make up for the atrocities that play out across that eight-second TikTok. 

We’re all in desperate need of a little balm for our wounded souls, and thankfully its readily available almost everywhere, and has been for a long time. The earliest known mention of lip balm — which has been around for centuries — cropped up in 1833’s The American Frugal Housewife, but it’s all but guaranteed that humans were using some kind of a lip moisturizer long before Lydia Marie Child included it in her book.

In the years since she published that long ago book, chapstick has become wildly available. Dozens of companies deliver various takes on the concept, and not a one of them come with instructions. It was never assumed they were needed, but we now know better. There are people out there — poor, tortured souls — who actually don’t know how to put on chapstick, and they must be corrected, for all our sakes.