We humans have a tendency to overcomplicate things, sometimes for malicious reasons and other times simply because the human brain can be a world-class nonsense factory. Financial jargon? Malicious. Most instances where an excess of paperwork is required? Nonsense. Modern politics? Malicious and nonsensical.
Overcomplication from the Greggs employees had to be part of the equation in the TikTok below. Otherwise why else would @flatbreadhead’s mother not only feel compelled to step in as casually as she did, but receive a standing ovation and free food for what seemed like another Sunday for her?
In the nine-second video above, Teej’s mom can be seen cradling a stressed pigeon (as though stressed isn’t the default for pigeons) in her arms, strolling up to the exit so as to grant the anxious avian his freedom. For her efforts, the mother received a standing ovation from the store and was gifted a free sausage roll.
The video description adds another humorous layer of lore to this event. Teej’s family is originally from Kenya, and her mom was the designated chicken catcher in her village, hence her very laidback approach to escorting the pigeon out of this bakery. The mother apparently later joked that “Brits need us Kenyans to properly handle their poultry.” And yet, did the pigeon really elude the Greggs staff that much? Were they bringing brooms into an equation that just required a pair of hands? The mother’s victory is great, but the bakery staff’s failure is the story we’re now curious about.
After all, the longstanding war between pigeons and Greggs has already been documented. According to a BBC article back in 2013, a branch of the bakery chain in Headington, Oxford found themselves with heaps of contaminated food on account of pigeons flying in through the front door in hopes of nabbing some whole-grain nourishment. The epidemic caused them to shut down within their usual hours of operation more than once.
It’s all starting to line up now. The pigeon that was escorted out by the Kenyan mother was likely sent by his nest to continue the battle that his ancestors started, but because he lacked the killer instinct of the original instigators, the environment of Greggs quickly overwhelmed him, and he became spoiled as an asset. The employees, meanwhile, probably heard stories from the Greggs staff of yore, who described the mutilation of past oat muffins in such great detail, that the current employees simply froze in fear when this pigeon returned to finish the job.
Indeed, if not for the elite peacekeeping force found within a Kenyan mother’s hands, this could have been a much darker day in the world of pigeons, bread, and humanity. A single free sausage roll is but a fraction of the compensation that this bird-wrangling champion is worthy of.