We’re all looking for some magic to happen when we go on a first date with someone, but for one lovelorn TikToker with an interest in the occult, they don’t wait for the magic to happen… They make it happen. Witches need love too, you know, and social media spellcaster @ivybloom.tv always does her best to make sure her dates go smoothly by employing a few, um, tricks of her trade.
In a video that seems tailor-made for Morticia Addams’ FYP, Ivy Bloom outlines her full, frankly disturbing, pre-date ritual. It starts, as date evenings often do, with a voodoo doll. “I have a voodoo doll that I use to channel energy into the guy I’m talking to,” explains Ivy, as we see her place said doll in a salt circle on a coffee table surrounded by gemstones. “I drizzle some honey over it to help me manifest a good date,” she adds.
Salt circles, it seems, are particularly key as Ivy reveals she likes to host first dates at her house so she can “control the environment.” This includes drawing interconnected salt circles under the dining table, displaying fake birds about the place, and playing smooth jazz on an old-timey vinyl player. Once the place is ready to go, Ivy completes the most important step — a “zodiac compatibility meditation,” which involves bathing her feet in milk and listening to a 639hz audio to ensure she and her partner are “energetically aligned.”
But, I know what you’re thinking, do we get a look at our lovelorn witch’s voodooed date? The answer is yes — and it looks like things went so well he’s never going to leaf.
Yes, it’s the final punchline of this beautifully absurd video — the reveal that Ivy has been doing all this to prepare for her date with a tree — which seals the deal that Ivy is a satirical sorceress. “The tree took me out,” admitted one comment, among many expressing the same thing. Hey, let us not judge. Tree-huggers are a thing, why can’t some people also be tree-daters?
Happily, Ivy confirmed her arcane dating ritual worked as she announced in an equally demented follow-up video that she and her tree-friend have been dating for two weeks now and things couldn’t be better. In fact, they’re even thinking of putting down roots together and someone may have planted the seed of an engagement in their near future. Soon, there might be a ring on Ivy’s finger to join the ones around her arboreal boy-toy’s trunk.
Believe it or not, Ivy is not the first human being to find leaf-flavored love. In 2019, British mother of two, Kate Cunningham, married an elder tree located in her local park. As of 2021, Kate — who changed her surname to Elder after her wedding — and her husband were still “happily” married and the only downside was that her then-15-year-old son was a “little” embarrassed about his stepfather. Moral of the story — why does it have to be the man or the bear? Why not pick the tree instead?
Published: Oct 31, 2024 02:02 pm