Now I’m no scientist, philosopher or psychic, but I’m pretty sure that even I could have predicted the revolution of mobile gaming that has taken the world by storm. All of these games follow a rule similar to the internet porn rule: if it exists, there’s a mobile game for it. In fact, these apps and games have had such ginormous growth in size that it is expected that they will make $11.4 billion by 2014 (which is about 1/10 of a Facebook unit). But hey, if you don’t believe humble old me, then check out this infographic and see for yourself where your paychecks go.
Although the market is flooded with terrible games made on some guy’s laptop that he borrowed from his parents, there are still a handful of incredibly popular and successful apps that have broken through to the mainstream. And despite the millions that these pocket distractions have made, nobody seems to notice the eerie warnings that are right in front of them. Out of hundreds of millions of gamers, only I stand to deliver the truth.
So wipe the Cheetos dust off of your fingers and lose the phone, because it’s time to drop some knowledge.
5. Fruit Ninja Relives The End Of Ninjas
It’s not that crazy to imagine that a game about slicing flying pieces of fruit with a sword is insanely popular. Mobile apps are made to be time killers played in the waiting room waiting to hear if your baby has a tail, not extravagant experiences. So hey, if slashing fruit is your vice, then let loose here. Yet as petty as it seems for people to slice fruit on their phones, how much worse is it for a ninja to waste their time doing the same? Maybe a little history will put this pickle in perspective.
Back when ninjas were most active (between 1300 and 1600), there were constant wars for control of Japan, caused by their blooming sex pillow industry. Throughout these wars, all sides used ninjas as infiltrators, spies, scouts, and downright trolls, distracting the enemy while they were slaughtered from all sides. As useful as they were, it wouldn’t do to have a nation of highly skilled assassins wandering around the country doing as they please.
So when warlord Oda Nobunaga came into power, ninjas weren’t exactly helping him rebuild his nation. Instead of beating around the bush, he just straight up stormed the ninja bases at Iga and Koga, forcing the assassins to fight in the open, which isn’t their strong suit. Aside from techniques and other ninja skills, the rest is history.
So What Does This Mean?
Isn’t it a little strange that such a huge group of deadly spies couldn’t figure out that they were about to be attacked? Perhaps it’s because they were too busy trying to get a huge combo than working on that whole survival thing. If what we’ve seen from Fruit Ninja is to be believed, we lost the chance to see what ninjas are like in real life because they spent years trying to unlock new wallpapers to cut flying fruit against.
I haven’t studied history since my second senior year in high school, but I’m pretty sure that ninjas don’t really run around Japan tearing it up as much as they used to. Fruit Ninja isn’t just a game, it’s a retelling of the downfall of our beloved shadow warriors. And if ninjas can be brought down by their love for petty hobbies, then I would give America about 34 seconds to live.
4. Cut The Rope Creates New Species, Then Abuses It
Awe, look at little Om Nom up there, eating all the candy he can! He’s so adorable, with that goofy smile and those big, doe eyes. Just one question though: where the crap did he even come from? If we’re to believe the game (which I do, because colorful pictures haven’t lied to me yet), he apparently just showed up in a box that was left at your doorstep. As if orphans weren’t bad enough, now you’ve got one that you actually care about. A little green guy with an antenna, and 8 teeth, and…wait, what is he again?
So What Does This Mean?
Somewhere in the world, there is a maniac creating creatures, hindering them with crippling candy addictions, and then just boxing them up and dropping them off to random citizens. Maybe we just got lucky with Om Nom though, since he’s all cuddly and innocent. Who’s to say that the guy down the street didn’t get a wolfgator that ate everything he ever loved?
So not only are we dealing with a crazy scientist with a penchant for orphaning his Moreau-esque creations, but we have no idea who will get what creatures and what they can do with them. Remember how Pokemon trainers would treat their creatures differently, which would affect their attitudes and make them as evil as politicians? What if that was the world we lived in?
So the next time you get a box at your front door, light it on fire and throw it at your neighbors, because whatever was inside it would probably have enjoyed digesting you, and because your neighbors suck.
3. Angry Birds Signals Deadly Evolution
Literally everybody on the face of the planet knows what Angry Birds is, and if you need an explanation, how did you ever discover the internet? Launching pissed off birds at pigs that barricade themselves in hilarious looking shelters is insanely addictive, and this is one of those games that earned its popularity (even if it did overdo the whole merchandise thing).
Needless to say, if birds were launching each other back and forth in real life, reenacting the Civil War and whatnot, the world would be a much better place. However, this little dream world I just created is ruined by one simple fact: the birds now have a taste for violence.
So What Does This Mean?
Remember the Alfred Hitchcock classic The Birds, in which birds launched themselves from the skies onto poor, helpless pedestrians? The film was effective because it took something from the background of all of our lives and made it violently rebel, creating a terrifying “What if?” scenario that scared the bejesus out of millions. Also, birds clawed your eyes out.
So imagine if those birds, who attacked for unclear and unexplained reasons, finally had a motive. And weapons. Remember that half of these birds either poop bombs, break apart into more birds, or just straight knock down your house. Who says they have to stop at pigs? The poor creatures aren’t the only species that have stolen their eggs before. That’s just the punishment they get for stealing them. What would we get for eating all of them? If Angry Birds is to be believed, all those birds flying face first into your closed window are just the beginning.
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2. Temple Run Is Hell
This should hopefully be another game I don’t have to introduce many people to. I’ll admit, I’m helplessly addicted to this app; I’ve spent too many hours trying to beat my high scores by running, jumping, sliding and tripping my way through that treacherous temple.
All we know of the story is that an explorer takes an artifact, which causes a legion of creepy skull monkeys to chase him to his inevitable death. On his way to the end, the greedy snob has the cojones to grab a ton of coins as well. But then he dies one gruesome death or another, before quickly starting up another round of running for his life. We never see our fearless hero at home, taking a bath and relaxing with his newly taken artifact and bags of coins. Instead, we see him run, and then die. What kind of life is that to live? Is it one even worth living? What if it’s not life at all? Is this too many questions?
So What Does This Mean?
Nobody said specifically that this is life that we’re playing through. Who knows for sure whether our adventurer even started his dash alive in the first place? Many players (read: just I) have posited that we’re not trying to help Faceless Explorer #4 escape, but rather that he is just running through hell, stuck forever in an endless loop like some terrible Groundhog Day sequel.
For those of us that believe in hell (or at least Texas), it’s general knowledge that it’s not one specific place or act, but rather a prison built around each persons’ fears and dreads. For example, I’m afraid of being chased by fictional skull monkeys through a temple that I don’t remember wandering into. Sound familiar?
So really, what we’re doing isn’t helping this poor soul at all. Rather than trying to help him escape, we’re setting him on an endless loop that can only end in the most painful death imaginable. And since controlling the afterlife is only the beginning, it’s not too hard to believe that…
1. Pocket God Gives Everyone The Chance To Play God
Although it might not be the most popular app on this list, Pocket God is a great time, if your idea of a great time is destroying civilizations. The whole game revolves around giving players the opportunity to create, build up and destroy an infinite amount of societies inhabited by the sweetest, most innocent-looking natives you’ve ever seen.
Remember how Spider-Man’s uncle told him that “With great power comes great responsibility?” Well just throw that crock out the window, because you’re gonna spend the rest of your bus rides, family reunions and colonoscopies killing your followers because they lived in your pocket and never once paid rent.
So What Does This Mean?
Do I even have to explain this one? Our need as humans to rule over something less than us has become so insistent that we carry tiny civilizations in our pockets so that we can assert control whenever we feel the urge. We can take joy in giving one of our little guys a fishing pole, watching him learn to fish, and then killing him by putting a magnifying glass over him and burning him to ash.
As fun as that sounds, it’s actually quite terrible, and you should be ashamed of yourself for doing it! I remember the one time I changed gravity so that all of my followers slid off the face of the Earth…but that’s neither here nor there.
What I’m trying to say is that you’re all awful people for lending to the death of an entire race of hapless natives without even getting to know them. Destroying innocence in favor of chaos, who do you think you are? I can’t believe you would drown them all in a horrible hurricane….wait, you can do that?
Wow, this game is actually pretty great. This whole 1% lifestyle is pretty comfy.
To dust, my minions! I AM GOD!
If for some reason you’re still unfamiliar with this fantastic app, check out the quick gameplay video below.Previous