5 Things I Seriously Hope We Get From Grand Theft Auto V

gta5 640x360 5 Things I Seriously Hope We Get From Grand Theft Auto V

All anyone around the web is talking about right now is Grand Theft Auto Online. I think gamers are overjoyed at the idea that they can finally get to do whatever they wanted with whom ever they choose in a Grand Theft Auto game, and I think the allure of that is lost on no one. Just think, jacking a chopper so you and sixteen of your friends can then skydive to an area, pull off a heist, and then all sixteen of you jack sixteen different cars to and go in sixteen different directions to throw off the cops, than you can meet up later at one of your safe houses and split the loot. If that doesn’t sound awesome to you, then you mustn’t be a gamer, or a human.

But all this talk of Grand Theft Auto Online has taken some of the attention off the fact that we are getting a brand new GTA next month, featuring three protagonists, branching story lines, and what will easily be the largest open worlds of any of the GTA games.

Grand Theft Auto V will also undoubtedly have some amazing radio stations, amazing super star cameos, and some of the most elaborate and intense missions this series has ever seen. So, I thought I would take a moment to talk about the five things that I hope we get from the Grand Theft Auto V, because let’s not forget, as awesome GTA IV was, it had some glaring flaws that will truly ruin GTA V if they are carried over.


No F*%#*ng Phone

grand theft auto 4 niko cell phone 5 Things I Seriously Hope We Get From Grand Theft Auto V

This will be the most cliche thing on the list, as in, most other sites and gamer journalists have spoken about this too, but the cell phone in Grand Theft Auto IV ruined the game entirely. The best part about a GTA game is how detached from life it makes you feel. All the stresses of regular life seem to dissipate when you go into a GTA game for the exact reason of NOT having a phone. No one to call and harass you. No friends to call you and bust your balls. No girlfriends to call you and bitch you out for not coming around. No, it was just a world that was open to whatever anarchy you chose to subject it to.

But then, the cell phone happens in GTA IV, and suddenly, anytime I trying to drive around and kill hookers or steal some sick bikes and attempt to do some stunt jumps, my f*cking virtual phone is ringing off the hook, and everyone who isn’t bolted down wants to go play darts with me, and if I don’t play darts or get distracted on the way to get them, they call me back, bitch me out, and in some cases, cut me out of their lives. WHAT? This is a GTA game. I play this specifically to NOT deal with that bullshit I deal with in my regular life, and suddenly, I cannot escape it here, either.

F*ck that noise.

The phone was enough to literally make me stop playing GTA IV before I beat it. It was cool and realistic that your missions and GPS were structured through the phone, but the actual execution of the phone sucked, and in the process, sucked the fun out of the game. Okay, so you can keep the phone if you do it right, but please, take care of the next one on the list….

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No More Relationship Maintenance

gta 4 ii 576x360 5 Things I Seriously Hope We Get From Grand Theft Auto V

Again, this is a Grand Theft Auto game. A game where anybody can feed any odd, sociopathic thoughts they may have. You know what takes any of the fun out of this? Making the game a goddamned relationship sim. Again, I understand how immersive this makes the game feel (oooh, look, people get mad at me if I don’t call them, just like real life), but I am not looking for a GTA game to be The Sims: Crime Edition. I am looking for a GTA game to provide me escape from the stinging pangs of reality. And nothing reminds me of my own reality more than somebody calling me, pissed off about God-knows-what. That’s the story of my life.

And if I remember correctly, if you missed enough calls from someone, or didn’t take them f*cking bowling, they would cut you off from whatever they may have supplied. I specifically remember a side character who wouldn’t hook me up with guns because we didn’t go out enough. Again, like stated in prior examples, are you f*cking kidding me?

And if you do go so far as having characters in GTA V that I need to maintain a relationship with, then you need to present me with the option (like in Fallout or Skyrim) to kill this character if I see fit. In other words, you call me and bitch me out enough for not going to do some menial mini-game with you, I WILL show up at your virtual residence and murder you in some awful way.

THAT is the only way that will be okay. Fine, if I can piss these people off, I also have the ability to maim them and remove them from the game, even if it lessens my game time.

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Change Up The Missions A Bit

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I really think this is the ONE WAY Grand Theft Auto could learn from Saints Row (specifically, part two). GTA has some cool missions, but often, they lack one key thing: Fun. What about more versatile missions? They did a lot better with this in The Ballad of Gay Tony expansion pack (the golf ball mission that opens that DLC is some of the most fun I had with the entire series), but not all the missions have to be “cool.” How about some “silly” missions? How about some “anarchy” missions? How about some missions that may take place in the subconscious of the main character, like the dream sequence from Metal Gear Solid 3?

Between you and me, the way I thought this would play out would be that the series would eventually jump to the future, or take place in space. I know that may sound silly, but right around GTA IV I thought the series needed a reboot, and perhaps a place like the future or some distant planet would be perfect for rewriting the mission structure. Think about it, jacking mechs and shit like that? It never actually happened, and the Saints Row series seemed to be the one that went more in the sci-fi direction (even though it has existed for a decade less than the GTA series).

So I am hoping, even though this GTA seems to be taking place in the same universe as all the others, that the inclusion of the three characters you can switch between will also, hopefully, switch up some of the mission structure they seem to adhere to when making these games. Follow, race, chase, and kill gets old quick.

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Boss Fights

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Oh man, I know how this is going to piss some people off, but I am old-school. I really like boss fights.

Now, I do understand how out-of-place a boss fight might feel in a GTA game, but let me ask you, why can’t there be one? Because this is a life simulator? Well, I think Rockstar have slightly forgotten how, at its heart, this is a video game. And whether or not we have lost sight of it, video games don’t need to be super realistic. They are, after all, escapism. So why can’t there be a moment in a GTA where there is a balls-to-the-wall half-hour fight with some badass? Think about how well Sleeping Dogs did combat. That game added boss fights, and they were fluid and fun, and brought a whole new element to the open world gameplay. It actually felt like exclamation points in the game. Moments that accentuated that you had just accomplished something major in the game.

I know Grand Theft Auto likes to do that by giving us a new safe house, but I really don’t see what would be wrong with a cool, trippy, drawn out boss battle now and then.

Not saying the skyscrapers need to gather together, form a person, and fight me, but I am also not saying that I wouldn’t love that.

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Better Mini-Games

gta8 5 Things I Seriously Hope We Get From Grand Theft Auto V

This one ties together with the “no more cellphone” and “relationship maintenance,”  but if they are going to force mini games on me, like all the Grand Theft Auto games do, can they please be more entertaining? Can’t I WANT to take time out of the game to want to play these? Remember the fishing mini-game in some of the Zelda games? A simple act, but for some reason, really fun and rewarding. Or some of the mini-games in a few of the Final Fantasy games (I am one of the three people who likes the card games within the game). I mean, remember how much fun it was to breed and race chocobos in Final Fantasy 7 (and yes, I bred me a gold one)? Well, give me mini-games like that. A mini game as addictive as the main game, so when you force me to do them, I actually derive pleasure from it as oppose to it feeling like I’m being punished.

See, they are profoundly simple requests, and ones that would be completely within Rockstar’s means to address, but considering the game is merely a few weeks away from shipping, it’s safe to say I may be a little late to the party with these requests, but who knows, I could be pleasantly surprised to see how many of these may have been addressed by this time next month when I am inevitably putting hours into playing Grand Theft Auto V.

Or smashing my controller and cursing it.

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  • Ryan Deadpooln

    I agree with no relationship crap and no phone.

  • Dock

    He quit playin gat iv just because of the phone? Really? You can put the phone on silent if you dont like it so much.

  • Brian

    This is an awful article, you should be ashamed of yourself. I’m not saying this because I disagree, I’m saying this because your a horrible journalist.

    1. You state the obvious. Missions should be more varied? That is NOT a feature you’d like to see, it’s just general level design improvement and all developers are constantly trying to do that anyway. Nobody needs to be told that missions should be better than before, that note is filed under the “no-fucking-shit” category. The cell phone sucked? Yeah we know. Oh wait, you’re next point is essentially the exact same thing (the only reason the phone sucked was your friends calling you). You make the same point twice in a list of 5. Good job!

    2. You don’t seem to understand that appeal of GTA. You say that GTA needs to be more like Saint’s Row and have goofy, surreal missions. You say it should be in space and you should be able to hijack mechs. You think there should be nonsensical and/or “silly” missions. If you want crazy stuff not really grounded in reality, play Saints Row, that’s what they are going for. GTA is NOT going for that, as Rockstar North has spent most of their time over the last 10 years making same with increasing levels of realism, narrative, and character development. GTA has, over the years, grown up a bit. In the same vein, boss fights aren’t really realistic, GTA always has a handful of big, cinematic set piece missions that function kinda like boss fights, and I always loved them. If an ACTUAL “boss” came down with massive health and such, it would kinda ruin the realism GTA tries to adhere to. It’s not the developers fault you don’t understand what they are going for and want an entirely different game. You don’t want GTA V, you want “Saints Row: Mech Fighter Year 3021″. Unless you have anything interesting an relevant to say about the game ASIDE from “it should be a different game” you should probably stop posting stupid articles.

    3. You write like an idiot. On the subject of cell phones: “fuck that noise”. You want to jack “mechs and shit”? Ah, I see, very insightful, so when is the reception for your next journalism award? You talk like a 13 year old, how the hell did you get your job?

  • maurid

    Too much hate in your life. I can’t take this article seriously, it just sounds like nothing’s ever good enough. Ungrateful bastard, go play Saints Row if you want GTA to be like it so bad. And by the way, THERE IS A PHONE IN V SO SUCK IT.

  • Scavenger

    They already announced that they will not put all that shit in GTA5.. You are were living under a rock