Did you honestly think Remy and I could watch This Is The End without drafting our own dream team of celebrities to ride out the rapture with? With such an awesome concept and equally awesome execution, Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg’s apocalyptic comedy shows a bunch of celebrities attempting to survive the rapture in James Franco’s fortress of a house, and while their ensemble cast was an absolute comedic supergroup, Remy and I just had to put our own spin on the whole “celebrities caught in the rapture” scenario.
Of course, without looking at our selections, if you’ve read anything Remy and I have written in the past, there’s two things you can expect. First off, my picks will be jokey, light hearted, and sincere. Secondly, Remy’s picks will be perverse, offensive, ridiculous, crazy, and also very sincere. It’s a good dynamic if I do say so myself, but just be warned, I can’t keep this man on a leash – he’s given complete freedom (which is terrifying). I throw cheeky jabs, Remy starts right off with the haymakers. Seriously, I apologize in advance, but hell, someone’s got to keep it real, and that’s Remy.
With that said, let’s press on and see who would make up our respective rapture parties if we were given our own This Is The End scenario!Next
Remy: Taylor Swift
Okay, I know I’m vulgar sometimes, but that’s the thing – I am vulgar, sometimes. So in knowing that, turn around now if you are easily offended, because this is some end of the world shit, and we pull no punches during the end of the world.
So when I think end times, I think about two things, sex and death. Well, actually, I think about those two things all the f*cking time, not necessarily connected, but I digress. So in thinking of sex, and repopulating the world, you want a woman who you find attractive, you know has good genes, and has qualities she can pass to her children that would make the world a better place. You weigh all the positives against the, aw, who the fuck am I kidding – she’s a breeder. We fill her full of babies.
Now I can feel the collective eyelashes of the women of the world upturning in disgust at the sexism dripping from that statement, but that is not how I think in real life. I do not put babies in women, so relax. But these are the f*cking end times, I think finding a pretty lady and putting seeds into her fertile soil is totally justified.
*Nato shakes head*
Nato: Jason Trost
My favorite cameo in This Is The End featured Jason Trost, creator/actor of the apocalyptic DDR flick The FP, as part of Danny McBride’s cannibal gang in his full character gear as JTRO (from The FP). When I Tweeted at him the next day stating how I loved being the only one in the theater laughing at that reference (because the amount of people who have seen The FP is criminally low), he responded with a simple “yolo bro, yolo.” That, my friends, is the greatest “Dafuq?” moment of my life.
So let’s recap, why would I want Jason Trost on my celebrity apocalypse hang-out team even though I detest the phrase “YOLO”? Well, he wears an eyepatch and won’t tell anyone why, brings fun and passion to every project he participates in, loves everything about cinema, and could school the shit out of any rival gang trying to DDR battle us in an apocalyptic, rapture ravaged dystopian world. If anyone earned the right to say “YOLO” around me, it’s this dude. Game On JTRO. Let’s get schwasted and DDR the rapture away, bro.Previous Next
Remy: Dave Grohl
On my own site I talked about how I want to get stoned with Dave Grohl, and this is that, times ten. Imagine being stuck in some badass bachelor pad in the Hollywood hills with one of the coolest dudes who ever lived? You could drink beers with him, jam for hours with him, talk music with him, and just be that badass stoner who lives in the garage and rocks out because there is nothing else to do. Outside, the world will be ending in the worst ways possible, but inside, you will be writing rock songs about it with Dave Grohl. Yup, I’d suffer the end times for that.
Nato: Craig Robinson
Alright, I know this is cheap because he was actually in This Is The End, but if you’ve only got one epic party to live out while the world goes to hell around you, why the hell wouldn’t you want Craig Robinson there? He absolutely stole the show despite being surrounded by Seth Rogen, James Franco, Danny McBride, Jonah Hill, and Jay Baruchel, so why wouldn’t he stand out around my lame ass? He’s built like a brick shithouse, is one of the funniest dudes in Hollywood right now, and has the voice of a damn angel. Plus, his experiences in This Is The End no doubt would make him think twice about being a coward, and would probably make him a tremendous team player. But again, hearing his beautiful lyrical genius playing out my final moments on Earth would be equally important. I’m still singing “Take Your Panties Off” how many days after my screening? I probably couldn’t handle his midriff, but if I’m chilling out during the rapture, a fully shirted Craig Robinson better be there.Previous Next
Remy: Anthony Bourdain
Come on, this guy is a badass, but he is not here for the reasons you think he’s here. If you think I could somehow get Anthony Bourdain to cook for me, or for any of us trapped at the end times, you are crazy. I mean, think of all the episodes of his show, No Reservations, you have seen. Have you EVER seen him cook? Nope. He eats, drinks, and tells stories. That is why I have him in my group, because I need a storyteller, and I feel like he would have no problem breaking into the top shelf booze and just telling us all killer stories from his interesting life as addict, cook and traveler. Meanwhile, we’d all forget everyone and everything we love is dying outside. See, I know what I am doing here.
Nato: Dwayne Johnson
Why? Because he’s a borderline superhero, that’s why. This man is so big he could probably wrestle the Devil and win, making him submit like a little pussy bitch. I think that’s a pretty good accomplishment, no? Seriously, look at him, I’m not even sure he’s human. He looks more like some steroid raging G.I. Joe caricature, but like, in real life. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if God sent this tank of a man down to Earth to prevent a real upcoming apocalypse, waiting to bust out his holy might as soon as Satan appears to ravage humanity.
Oh, and I really want to talk to him about the movie Doom, because it’s totally freaking awesome. Woot, one more person for my apocalypse party! I just pray to sweet baby Jesus he isn’t the one to become possessed by the Devil – then everybody is f#cked.Previous Next
Remy: Kimbo Slice
Alright, don’t think I added Kimbo because of that stupid “token black guy” horror cliche. The man is 300 pounds of pure rage and muscle, and a proven street brawler. None of that fake-ass WWE shit. Kimbo grew up actually beating the hell out of people, and instead of taking a break to recite some hack dialogue backstage, he went out and beat the hell out of more people. So if some group tried to take us over so they could eat us, Kimbo could just start ripping guy’s heads off and tossing them at other guys like screaming brain grenades. Kimbo Slice also looks like he could punch through walls if they got in our way, so that factored into him being in the group as well.
Nato: Danielle Harris
How do you not pick a Scream Queen to rock out in the apocalypse with? What, my apocalypse party can’t be a total sausage fest or anything, those parties suck! You can only play so many competitive drinking games before someone looks around at the sea of dudes with disgust.
Anyway, like I was saying, besides the fact that Ms. Harris is a total hottie, she’s also been around the horror genre her entire acting career. Not only would she be an absolute conversational goldmine for me, but she’d also be a wealth of rapture information. I mean the horror vixen has been around Victor Crowley, Michael Meyers, ChromeSkull, urban legends, and hell, she even survived One Life To Live! If you can make it through a daytime soap opera, you can make it through the rapture.Previous Next
Remy: Kristen Stewart
We need to have at least one person we can immediately sacrifice to the Gods to appease them, and this quiet, dull, broken thing seems as good a sacrificial lamb as anyone else, right? So wait, my parts of this article seem racist AND sexist?!!? Oh man, thank God it’s the end of the world and no one will remember any of this. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a young pop star I need to impregnate for the sake of mankind.
Wow, this IS pretty bad.
Nato: Kat Dennings
Ok, unlike my incomparably creepy compadre Remy, I’d simply need another girl so Danielle Harris doesn’t feel awkward and get that “rapey” vibe Jay Baruchel mentions in This Is The End. It’d only be fair to let another female party out the rapture while JTRO refuses to talk about his eyepatch, Craig Robinson sings extremely sexual songs, The Rock bench presses the refrigerator, and Danielle Harris talks about hilarious horror set stories. That lucky lady would be none other than America’s favorite broke girl, Kat Dennings.
Why? Well, there’s actually a few reasons, and then two much bigger reasons. Most importantly though, I feel like with the characters Kat typically plays, her signature sense of cynical, sarcastic humor would be a perfect fit for the rapture. Do you really want to be hanging out with some airheaded party girl who can’t fathom the cataclysmic events around her? No, you want a girl like Dennings (or at least how she projects herself on screen) who can look a demon in the face and just make fun of its cliched horns or tail. Now that would be a fun rapture.
Alright, we know everyone doesn’t have the same opinions as us, so hit the comments section and let us know which celebrities you’d like to ride out the rapture with!
*A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates:
Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb
Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro
Like what you read? Check out last week’s article where Remy and I talk about six horror movies we could have lived through ourselves!Previous