Ok, not to get all morbid again right after Remy and I recently talked about apocalypse music, movie character zombie posses, and smoldering horror babes, but the two of us are jumping back on the negativity train once again. This week, we’ll be attacking those NOT so lovable characters that populate our horror films, undoubtably pissing us off to the nth degree. Be it someone who is a flat-out unenjoyable dick, or whiney pain, or just a poorly written personality not worth a single minute of screen time, these are the characters who we wish the most gratuitous death scene possible upon – and fast.
Sure, it sounds twisted, but hell, why do we watch horror films? Mindless gore, vicious fun, creative slaying, proper special effects, the list goes on. Most of the time, all the characters die anyway, but with some rhyme and reason at least. Every once in a while we’ll even get a character we hate to see go, cast off into a better life away from whatever apocalyptic or violent scenario the director has chosen. But for every awesomely rockin’ horror character we’re given, there’s also that failed prototype that just doesn’t mesh with anything we’re watching, and what else would you rather see them do? Die. You’re not sick for thinking it, you’re watching a horror film and it’s just mere fantasy. If this were a list of actual people we wanted to see die, then I’d say it’s time for a break on the horror genre and a check into an asylum of sorts, but we’re merely picking which characters deserved an early slaying the most. Don’t jump the gun and call the fuzz just yet.
From the mind of Remy:
You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize I want way too many people to die (fictitious and otherwise) than is probably healthy. But, a wise man once said “I kill in my fantasies, lest I feel the urge to do so in my reality.” No one actually said that, but someone should have. Wait, I am pretty sure I just did. Nice. I better get a copyright on that real quick. BAM. © Done. Alright, on to the killing.
Let’s jump in and discuss those characters who make perfect horror fodder in the eyes of both Remy and myself.Next
Nato: Honey Pie from Feast
Sure to make an appearance on another edition of my “Horror Smokeshow” picks, poor Honey Pie (Jenny Wade) had my kiss of death from square one. Don’t get me wrong, I love Feast, vocalizing my praise more than anyone probably every has, but Honey Pie had every reason to die. I knew there was something fishy about her character the minute that fake pouty sad act kicked in, but when I saw her trying to shove a bullet into the business end of a gun, I knew right there I wanted her gone. She was obviously preparing to do something drastic and was only thinking about herself by concealing her own personal firearm, which had me hoping she was next. And who was right? Nato, that’s who. Right during Feast‘s big escape plan, Honey Pie gives a giant “f#ck you” to the remaining survivors, leaving them in the dust with a pack of killer fornicating creatures. Never trust the timid bombshell – panic and self-reliance will leave you begging for their help, only to watch them slink away to safety, with or without you.Previous Next
Remy: Juno from The Descent
I know we have pretty much talked this movie to death, but it hit me that very few people seem to talk about this (very important) aspect of the story – the dichotomy between Sarah and Juno, especially once Sarah figures out what Juno was doing with her husband behind her back, before his death. If you paid close attention to the beginning of the film, you would see that Sarah’s husband and Juno actually shared a lingering glance (during the rafting intro) that planted the seed that this woman may have been a bit amoral. Now, add to that the fact that our characters are all in The Descent‘s predicament because Juno thought exploring an unexplored cave full of monsters would be a great bonding experience for her and her friends. Wow, screwing people’s husbands and then getting them trapped in a cave with a bunch of feral orcs from Lord of the Rings? Yeah, that constitutes a death scene, I would say.
And what a death scene it is. After helping to kill the murder of orcs that was trying to kill them (it is a fact that orcs group together like crows, so they would be called a murder. Also, it is super-metal) Sarah reveals the keychain her husband gave to Juno, then she chops her Achilles so she will be stuck there and justly murdered for her crimes. Actually, not sure if that is just. But it was awesome, and in that moment, Sarah grew balls ten times the size of any man she had ever known, and people I was in the theater with cheered. THAT is how much we hated that bitch.Previous Next
Nato: William from Chatroom
Ok, aside from the horror-less Chatroom being an unabashedly awful waste of everyone’s time, main character William, played by Aaron Johnson (Kick-Ass), had me wishing for his exit all too quick just based off his enraging emo whining and attempts to encourage others to harm themselves. He was a coward who basically got off on watching other people do what he wanted to, plain and simple. Wah, my parents don’t love me. Wah, everyone is better than me. Wah, why am I even here. Oh my god, not to be insensitive to the circumstance, but holy crap, just off yourself and get this abomination over with!
Then you meet his family, the biggest factor “depressing” him, and they barely do anything wrong. I begrudgingly watched Will’s selfish actions and awful acting suck up the screen far too long for a film found in the “Horror” section on my cable’s Video On Demand list, finally bringing sweet suicidal justice to such a blank and poorly constructed character. We have to wait far too long for this release though. Like, 97 minutes too long.Previous Next
Remy: Darry From Jeepers Creepers
First of all, your friggin’ name is Darry. Listen, the 237th rule on my “Laws of the Remy” book is that all people named Darry should be killed on site. No Darry has ever done good by this world. I knew one Darry, and I swear to God, that man bedded sheep. Anyway, the Darry in this film, played by Justin Long (who I normally like, not LIKE like, but like, you know?) makes what HAS TO BE the worst string of decisions I have ever seen anyone make. Also, he has a black rose tattooed over his belly button. Listen, if you want to rock TERRIBLE tats, that is your call. But, in the same breath, don’t be mad if it means I want to see die. Much like Juno in The Descent, every single thing that happens in this movie is because “Darry’s” sense of self-preservation resembles that of an emo-lemming.
Think about it, if you and me were driving, and we saw a scary mothertrucker (see what I did there?) dumping bodies into a well, you know what NONE OF US WOULD SAY? Hey, we should go back there and look in that hole. But you wanna know what ELSE no one would say? Hold on to me while I lower myself into the hole. I know this movie tried to play up the naive-50′s era in horror, where people did dumb shit for no reason, but this wasn’t dumb shit. It was suicidal shit. So when the movie ended, and I saw Darry’s eyes plucked out of his head, instead of being all: Oh NOEZ! That bad guy won! I was actually like: HELLZ YEAH!!! And of course, just because my world is Godless, that terrible tattoo made a cameo in part two. Damn you, Darry. Damn you and your dumb tattoo and your even DUMBER name! I’d do your sis, though. Weird thing is, Jeepers Creepers makes it seem like you would, too.
It just hit me that all my entries have stupid names, so need to stick with that trend.Previous Next
Nato: Jeep Hanson from Legion
Well, OK, in all honestly, every character was so insanely boring and poorly written in Legion, a death scene was all that could have saved their cardboard existence, but none were as bad as the man named after a car. Yes, Lucas Black played a character named Jeep, complete with a terrible country-bumkpin accent and mind-numbing dialogue. Then, we’re forced to listen to Jeep cry on and on about how much of a pussy he is and how he’ll never be able to man up, during, you know, the apocalypse? I was seriously waiting for any one of the other equally wasteful fleshbags to use Jeep as a human shield, but to my dismay, sat their being tortured by his non-stop mumblings and wimpy attitude. Actually, I take that back, I was more wishing the evil angels waiting patiently outside the diner would ascend on the small pack of emotionless numbskulls, ending the film with at least SOME entertainment, but Jeep’s exit would have been most enjoyable and rewarding.
Remy: Micah from Paranormal Activity
Alright, alright, I have talked enough shit about this dude by now. Fair enough. But, I mean, really? Calling out a paranormal demon with the words of a drunken fratboy and toying with dark arts? Do you EVER watch horror movies? Micah, you deserved your fate.Previous Next
Nato: T-Dog from The Walking Dead
Alright, no one said these had to be movie characters, and sorry T-Dog, but you served ABSOLUTELY no purpose until Season 3, where, well, you know, but still, I’m focusing on the time he spent standing on porches and leaning against trees. Seriously, what purpose did he serve besides being the resident token black guy, getting sick that one time and bogging the group down, doing a little bit of preaching, and blending into the background? It’s not that I hated T-Dog, but I mean, how else are characters supposed to be removed from the zombie apocalypse? He was in a safe group, why would T-Dog leave? Well, being munched by the undead is a pretty good way to get him out, being that the RV got more screen time than our overlooked survivor.
Remy: Randy from Scream 2
Okay, I will admit it: I hate Jamie Kennedy. And as much as I LOVED my people being represented (horror movie geeks) in film, why did they have to represent us with such a douche bag? I know why, mind you. He was the decoy. The one we were ALL supposed to think was the killer in the first movie (because he knew all the rules and was dedicated to his knowledge of horror). He was there to distract from who the real killer (or killers) was (or were). And you sort of expected him to die throughout the entirety of the movie, because characters like him ALWAYS get killed off. So to see him make it to the end of the movie was a real tease for me. Thankfully, Wes Craven knew what the people wanted, and gave it to us in part two. And of course, because it is the Scream series, I am still not completely convinced we won’t see him again, unfortunately. But barring that deus-ex from ever happening, seeing Jamie Kennedy die was something I found immensely enjoying. Now life, hurry up and imitate art.Previous Next
Nato: David From Shaun Of The Dead
Ok, I know, he’s SUPPOSED to be the hateable character, but Dylan Moran played “annoying and irritating” too well. Far too well in fact. So well, in fact, it was impossible not to wish for David’s comeuppance for being a terrible little weenie who would rather sacrifice others than help Shaun and the rest. There’s no such thing as being a pacifist in the apocalypse, and David did nothing but waste oxygen meant for people trying to fight for their lives. A funny and enjoyable character maybe, but the group should have used him for zombie bait the minute he started his baby back bitching. Lucky for us, he goes out in pretty lavish fashion (you can check it out below). Thanks Edgar Wright!
Remy: Busta Rhymes from that last, shitty Halloween
Honestly, do I even need to say anything here? Didn’t think so. Wooha, I got you all in check.
*Drops mic and walks off
Now it’s your turn! Feel free to let Remy and I know how we did with our selections, and let us know some characters you couldn’t wait to see meet their bitter end!
*A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates:
Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb
Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro
Like what you read? Check out last week’s article where we list some of our favorite horror babes from 2000-2010!Previous