Nato And Remy’s Last Stand: Drafting Your Zombie Apocalypse All-Star Squad

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So here we are once again, preparing for doomsday with some more open topic chatter. This week Remy and I wanted to discuss building that perfect dream team of zombie killers/survivalists, like your version of the zombie stompin’ Harlem Globetrotters. Your group will have to be built on trust, need, experience, skills, and most importantly – balance.

Sure, it’d be great to have a bunch of muscle-bound juice heads surrounding you at all times like a great wall of punishment, but then you’ll lack intelligence and basic survival skills. In the same respect, you can’t shack up with a bunch of scientist dweebs, losing protection and group members with a combat mentality. Like the perfect recipe, you’ll need just the right amount of everything – otherwise you’ll watch what could have been success spoil with one miscalculated variable.

But for the sake of debate and keeping a smidgen of realism, we agreed we’d draft our teams from fictional entertainment characters that are still human, so no bullshit picks like Alice from Resident Evil or any superhero that would obviously be indestructible.

First off, Remy and I are going to run through our rational in picking, and give a general “Why” explanation before getting to our actual picks.

Remy’s Thinking

I have probably spent WAY more time thinking about this than most “normal” people would. I have already done a list of who I would want with me out of real celebrities, so naturally, I have also thought of the fictitious characters I would want with me during the zombie apocalypse too. But the directions I choose to go might just surprise you. It’s all “breeders and feeders,” people. Oh wait, you don’t know what that means, huh? Well, breeders and feeders means I would want women I could impregnate in an attempt to repopulate the world, and I would want assholes I could sacrifice to the zombies to keep them sated and on my side. I think we could reach an understanding with the zombies that way.

Let me explain my selection process and thinking here.

I have to assume, in this scenario, that I have found myself trapped inside some building (or prison, perhaps?), and I think we can come to some sort of understanding with the zombies. If we provide them fresh meat, and they SEE that we are the ones doing it, don’t you think they will realize (like animals would) that we are the hand that feeds and to leave us be? I do. So the people I have with me (all fictitious) serve a specific purpose.

Nato’s Thinking

I, unlike my counterpart Remy, in no way believe zombies can be “reasoned” with. These are reanimated corpses with the sole purpose of feeding on the remaining living. To them, us sacrificing someone for the greater good won’t even register, gladly taking the meal at hand, but focusing back on devouring what survivors remain directly after. Zombies are evil and dead, and must be dealt with as such. Plus, what happens when you run out of people to sacrifice? I doubt your “breeders” can pump out enough little bite sized zombie treats before you’re shit out of luck, so I’ll take my chances with a real zombie hit-squad type group, focusing on surviving instead of sustaining.

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Nato – Daryl Dixon (The Walking Dead)

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After watching two plus seasons of The Walking Dead, how can you not include Daryl Dixon (Norman Reedus) to accompany you in the zombie apocalypse? He’s an outdoorsman, a crack shot with a crossbow, a true survivalist, is perfectly fine playing second fiddle as long as his leader shows strength, and most importantly, he’s a 100% ass-kicker.

As much as I’d love to spend the zombie apocalypse in a cushy, well protected mansion with regular amenities on my own personal oasis, realistically there’s going to be a ton of running around and camping out in confusing natural areas.

Just like in The Walking Dead, cities and suburbs are probably the most highly populated zombie habitats now, and having someone like Daryl would be a godsend. Think about how many times he used tracking skills to traverse dense wooded areas, or cooked up dinner from a dead possum? Times are tough, and having someone who can deal with them intelligently is crucial. Keep your city slickers and spoiled brats at home, I’ll take this country bumpkin any day on my team.

Remy – Micha (Paranormal Activity)

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Micah from Paranormal Activity will be purely zombie food.

I hated this dude. He was whiny as hell and had NO idea that his life at risk when it was obviously in grave danger, so we can tell him there is a McDonalds halfway down the road and then shove him outside to die, and he won’t even know it. Now we are down to four.

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Nato – Jill Valentine (Resident Evil: Apocalypse)

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I didn’t pick Alice because she isn’t human and wouldn’t be fair in terms of this article, but S.T.A.R.S. agent Jill Valentine sure as hell would be with me. The sultry tactician is an all around zombie assassin, trained and skilled in numerous special forces disposal methods. A crack shot, a hand to hand threat, and a bombshell that had me drooling the first time I saw Sienna Guillroy in costume as the iconic Resident Evil character. Hubba-hubba! (Oh, and not the evil mind-controlled version from Resident Evil: Retribution either).

So let’s be honest, it’s the zombie apocalypse, and you have no idea who could be left alive. Women are in short supply, so why not have one accompany you who can save your ass if need be, but also provide prime breeding material for a new generation? I mean, Jill Valentine is a straight up vixen in Resident Evil: Apocalypse, one I wouldn’t mind seeing still alive come the end of days. It’d be a shame if we had to re-populate the world, eh? Then again, Valentine is such a soldier she’d probably beat me 50 shades of red if I even brushed against her wrong, but hell, I’ll take the eye candy splattering heads with deadly accuracy any day – as long as I’m alive.

Remy – Piper (Drive Angry 3D)

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Piper from Drive Angry 3D (Amber Heard) will be in the group because she can kick much ass if it is needed, and she is painfully beautiful and has perfect genes, so I can impregnate her with my Devil seed, which serves multiple purposes. Yes, it is archaic to keep a woman around for breeding, but this is the zombiepocalypse, people. We need to think about the next generation. Hell, honestly, we would need to LITERALLY create them. Just keeping it real.

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Nato – Shaun (Shaun Of The Dead)

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Sure, not the rough and tumble survivor type you’d necessarily want in a fight, but come on, it’s the end of the world, don’t you want a little comedic relief? If there’s any movie character I’d love to sit down, relax, and have a few pints with whilst zombies bash on our door, it would be Simon Pegg as Shaun, the lead character in Edgar Wright’s zombie comedy Shaun of the Dead. Sorry Nick Frost, can’t be a package deal otherwise I’d bring you along as Ed any day!

I’d take Shaun over other “funny man” characters because while possessing a sarcastic yet enjoyable personality, he’s also proven himself on-screen as an adept enough zombie fighter. It’s not too hard either, just bash their brains in – anyone can do it. But for this situation, it’s better to have someone you know can handle it, before you pick someone too timid or weak to carry out a brutal zombie kill. Might as well go out with a smile, am I right?

Remy – Chris Brown (Stomp The Yard)

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Next I’ll need another “feeder,” and Chris Brown is an easy second choice. Wait, he’s not a fictional character? Okay then, fine print, I will take Chris Brown as Duron from Stomp the Yard. Remember how he died within the first five minutes of that movie? Yes, it would be just like that, but I would knock him out and stick his arm out a window so he would be eaten appendage by appendage, and I would condition the zombies to know it was me feeding them and not to attack me. Also, seeing Chris Brown being eaten slowly WILL be crossed off my bucket list at one point, mark my words.

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Nato – Michelle Rodriguez (ANYTHING)

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F$ck even picking a character, I just want Michelle Rodriguez on my team in general. I’ll even be nice and let you pick which character she’d be playing, because I don’t really care. Sure, she usually ends up dying in, like, every movie she’s in, but that’s only because this female action knockout always gets herself in crazy situations. Fighting zombies? Leading indigenous aliens against humans in battle? Defending earth from aliens? Fighting the Covenant?! You have to be a hardened badass to even attempt those feats. Points awarded M-Rod. Think I can get that to stick?

Won’t lie, her looks sure don’t count against her, and having a close to even gender ratio might just be thinking ahead, but again, if I had to pick someone who just always appears to be looking for a fight, Rodriguez comes right to mind. Most of her films involve fight scenes and intensity, making me believe she’ll have no problem running into the fray of battle where some other actresses might be screaming for a stunt double. There’s a reason a poster of Michelle Rodriguez as Shé hangs in my room, and it’s not just for decoration. Any woman that beautifully stunning and doubly brawl ready deserves respect, I only hope she’ll be shooting a movie wherever I am when the time comes.

Remy – Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jurassic Park)

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Next, we need a genius. Someone you can keep around to figure shit out. Basically, the brains of the operation. They don’t do much fighting, they stay at the safe house and do all the math and ration all the supplies and crap, plus, they usually have answers about WHY the zombie invasion is happening. For that reason, I will take Jeff Goldblum as Dr. Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park. Not only is he nerdy and interesting, but if it came down to it, I could crossbreed him with a housefly and make him the ultimate zombie killing machine. I know you are wondering why I didn’t just pick him as Dr. Brundle from The Fly remake, but man, that dude was UNSTABLE.

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Nato – El Wray (Planet Terror)

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Boom, a little Freddy Rodríguez action to bring my team home. Did you see El Wray in Planet Terror, making minced meat out of zombies even when he was handcuffed?! Dude, who wouldn’t want those acrobatic ninja skills handy when the time came, saving you ass when you need it the most.

I really believe El Wray is always forgotten as one of the greatest zombie killing characters ever. We always think of Ving Rhames characters, or Ash from Evil Dead, or Lionel Cosgrove from Dead Alive - the list goes on and on. But hardly in conversation does El Wray come up, when it damn well should lead the conversation. This dude was just a humble tow truck driver, but the minute zombies showed up, he goes all hero status in that bitch and basically punishes any deadhead in his path. Yes sir, please include him on my list of people keeping my sorry ass alive in the zombie apocalypse, gracing me with his heavenly watch. Guns, knives, fist, feet – El Wray can do it all. A multi-purpose tool dispensing undead justice on our way to safety. Yeah, I can live with that.

Remy – John Ottway (The Grey)

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And lastly, and of course, I pick Liam Neeson as John Ralph Ottway from The Grey. I realize, after all the breeders and feeders and Chris Brown’s have died, I will need at least one dude who can be both a Father-figure and an ass-kicker, and a man who glues broken bottles to his hands to fist fight a wolf is about as badass a partner as you could have in the zombiepocalypse.

See, my choices seem daft at first, but there is a method to my madness:

I just spared the world from anymore Chris Brown and now I am hanging out with Amber Heard and Liam Neeson, playing cards with the pet zombies we have conditioned and trained.

Yeah, try to act like you are not jealous of THAT scenario!

Now it’s your turn! Feel free to let Remy and I know how we did with our selections, and let us know who would make up your perfect zombie apocalypse survival team?

*A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates:

Matt Donato

Remy Carreiro

Like what you read? Check out last week’s article where we discuss what playlists to crank when dealing with the zombie apocalypse!

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  • Kterr

    John McClaine (Badass), John Ottoway (Bigger Badass), Robert Neville
    (Scientist, Cure Creator), Bear Grylls (Survivalist), Alice from
    Resident Evil (Zombie Killer, Eye Candy)

  • Remy Carreiro

    People seem to lose site of the fact that you CANNOT pick all people who are awesome and that you admire, because you have to have some people you are comfortable with pushing outside to get eaten. Also, if you pick all “alphas”, and you yourself are not alpha, guess who is getting pushed outside to be eaten then. Sociology figures HUGE into all of this, but too many people think in “video game” terms.