Nato And Remy’s Last Stand: Guilty Pleasures As Charged

 %name Nato And Remys Last Stand: Guilty Pleasures As Charged

With so many different varieties and sub-genres of horror movies, it’s inevitable for directors to push the boundaries of what is good and holy, exploring uncharted territories others ignored for a reason. I’m talking real boundary pushers, made up of nothing but sick ideas and twisted fantasies, or films created with the worst of intentions, and even less cinematic value. But when you think about it, there’s always going to be that one guy who lives to one-up everyone, even if it demands shock-value entertainment sending mainstream viewers into a tizzy of protesting, and you can imagine just how messed up the seediest horror movies can become given how exploitative mainstream films themselves are becoming. These films, almost forcing viewers to hate them right off the bat, are nothing but guilty pleasures for the most corrupted of minds, but hell, people still make them, so someone has to be watching, right?

Look at The Human Centipede for example. I know I harp on it a lot, but a movie about ass-to-mouth isn’t that hard to single out. Anyway, director Tom Six created a cult guilty pleasure by dragging the “torture porn” genre even deeper into the murky waters of disgusting filmmaking by sewing people together and having them eat poop, something viewers couldn’t look away from yet just had to experience for themselves. My opinion was not very high of the “originality,” but low and behold, a sequel was made. Now, no matter how f#cked up a movie is, if it produces revenue, you damn well better expect a sequel, and for all the people hating on Six’s film, a second was a no brainer. So who the hell was watching this film and begging for another, yet not telling anyone? That right there, my friends, is a definite guilty pleasure.

But really, who watches a ton of this crap? Bad cinema is bad cinema, why bother sifting through? Who is crazy enough to submerge themselves in F-Grade productions and even worse ideas? You’re damn right those people are Remy and I. Surprised? Right, shouldn’t have even asked. But c’mon, whether you publicize it or not, everyone has that guilty pleasure movie they refuse to admit love for, yet go home and watch it every night before they go to sleep. I mean, what about those dreadful people addicted to Lifetime specials?! Are false romantic hopes and shameless tugging of people’s heartstrings any better than movies about man-eating beds and killer vegetables?! I think not, but even so, Remy and I were reluctant to open up and reveal what terrible, awful, disgusting, and laughable films we still stand behind. You with me, Remy?

Hells yeah. Sometimes I like the worst things the best. Trashy woman, cheap drugs, burgers that are bad for me, and movies that are even worse. Sometimes, a film can be SO bad, it transcends bad and becomes awesome. Let’s not pretend any of us are driving Jaguars (the animal, not the car) and are the most well bred people on Earth. No, sometimes even the best and brightest of us just want to shut off our brains, and nothing does that better than a terrible film. I mean, even the worst bl*wjob is better than no bl*wjob, right? Well, not if she bites, but I digress, that’s for a whole different list…

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Remy – Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)

%name Nato And Remys Last Stand: Guilty Pleasures As Charged

When Birdemic begins, it’s like you are watching your least charismatic friends in a movie they made on a flip phone. Every single thing about it is terrible. The acting is so bad, you cringe when the lead and his love interest (who I won’t even name here because that is how little it matters) interact. Honestly, for forty five minutes you will have no idea why it is called Birdemic. It could just be called “Awkward As F*ck”, but suddenly, for no reason about halfway through the movie, the actors start getting attacked by clip art birds. In that glorious moment, the film goes from bad to Godly.

I know you had to read that a few times, and yes, it says clip art. That is really the quality displayed here. Oh, and the as-subtle-as-a-moose-kick-to-the-dick pro-nature message is absolutely as contrived and silly as film making gets. Honestly, even if you set out to make a “horror” film, and decided to film the whole thing using a potato, that film would realistically be better than Birdemic. But guess what? Whenever I get a chance to watch it, I watch the SHIT out of it. It is like watching a ninety minute lego-train-wreck. You know how sometimes bad art is awesome? Yes, this is like that. And that “Hanging Out With My Family” song/dance scene in the middle of the movie may just be the best thing ever made, ever, anywhere. Again, ever. There is a part 2 now, but you DON’T make sequels to cult films. You just don’t do it. You can’t form shit into gold twice. Hell, once is hard enough.

Nato – Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008)

%name Nato And Remys Last Stand: Guilty Pleasures As Charged

Alright, so here’s the thing – I love Feast. I love Feast with all my little horror obsessed heart. I love it so much, I just went out and blindly bought Feast II: Sloppy Seconds the day it was released, counting it’s arrival down like the second coming on Christ. So, that fateful day I ran to the local FYE, grabbed a copy at full price, raced home, and watched it – again loving every single ridiculous minute. Then I showed it to my equally enthusiastic horror friends, but did not receive the reaction I expected – hate. No one else really liked the film, saying Gulager dropped the ball and I was just brainwashed from the first, but I didn’t buy it. So I watched it again, and still enjoyed Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan’s break from Saw, while fully admitting glaring faults. The ending culminated in an embarrassing green-screen shootout that was visually hard to ignore, weak CGI replaced some practical effect from the first, and our characters were more cartoonish, but I still lost myself in the horror fun Melton and Dunstan managed to carry over from the original. I mean, midget Luchador monster killers? Honey Pie fantasizing about the beer guy (Judah Friedlander) from the original? An autopsy scene with gallons of monster goo? It’s dumb, silly, stupid fun, just the way I want my horror movies every now and then.

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Remy – Waxwork (1988)

%name Nato And Remys Last Stand: Guilty Pleasures As Charged

Okay, so what you have here is an 80s horror movie that is an homage to 50s horror movies – and S&M. No, really, there is a great deal of S&M in this film. That is part of what makes this pleasure a bit guilty. Waxwork was about a group of teens (in their thirties, as was always the case with 80s horror) who get invited to a wax museum where – wait for it, people – the exhibits come to life. Well, it’s not that simple. Actually, you have to be INCREDIBLY stupid and cross over the velvet rope into the exhibit, and the exhibit becomes real in the sense that you are in it. For example, one kid goes into a werewolf scene and, wouldn’t you know it, some werewolf stuff goes down. Cue a few other sets, and a few other creatures and scenarios (including the “slut girl” from every 80s movie finding herself in a Marquis De Sade scenario, with whips and all). Thing is, when I was younger, a horror movie that has a bunch of horror movies in them was the ultimate thing to me, I loved it. Now I can see it for the cheese it is, but in the same breath, I can see it as the precursor to Cabin In The Woods. Watch the final fifteen minutes of Waxwork and tell me I’m wrong, I dare you.

Nato – Feast III: The Happy Finish (2009)

%name Nato And Remys Last Stand: Guilty Pleasures As Charged

Oh, you bet your ass I kept watching Gulager’s horror/comedy franchise even as a straight-to-DVD threequal was released, this time promising an end to insanity. And seriously, if you haven’t seen these movies, here’s the gist – a bunch of fornicating animal/beast/alien/monster hybrid creatures basically f@ck their way to global domination, birthing new hell-spawns to cover even more ground. Our characters are stuck in the middle, meeting one stereotypical horror personality after another, as Gulager attempts to Wes Craven the hell out of the horror genre and bring us EXACTLY what we think wouldn’t happen. Except, by film three, we now expect the unexpected, and initial shocks and awes lose all meaning. But still, even with that bummer, I STILL enjoyed a final Feast, especially with the inclusion of comedian Josh Blue, the funniest person with cerebral palsy I’ve ever listened to. No, really, I’m not being a dick, he won Season 4 of Last Comic Standing - the dude is hilarious and a wonderful addition to Gulager’s world. There’s not doubt Feast III: The Happy Finish dips in quality, as the concept gets thinner with each film, but gah, I still enjoyed it! More gore, more stupidity, more silly character introductions, more, more, more! But to finish it all off, Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan scripted the PERFECT ending to their unique horror franchise, literally ending in the most absurd, unthinkable, out-of-left-field way Feast could have imagined to end. I don’t care, I love all these films, and I’ll shout it from the rooftops – as long as the background isn’t that terrible green-screen from Feast II: Sloppy Seconds.

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Remy – Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)

%name Nato And Remys Last Stand: Guilty Pleasures As Charged

Okay, much like Birdemic, people can argue that this film WANTED to be bad, but at times it is really hard to tell if it’s being serious or being a send up, and that is why I love it. I mean, it is bad, real bad, like, some of the worst acting and “scares” you have ever seen – but then there seem to be scenes of genuine cruelty and creepiness. Yet, ten minutes later, the bed takes some Pepto Bismal to wash down all the people it has eaten. It’s that sort of mindf*ckery that makes this film such a joy for me. Does it know it sucks and is embracing that? Was it trying to be creepy with some laughs thrown in? I have seen the movie ten times and still can’t tell you. I can tell you this, though – it is incredibly hard to look away from. There is just something inherently watchable about a bed that eats people. Well, not eats in so much as slow dissolves painlessly into a yellow foam. Which, again, messes with your head, because that is actually accurate. When you melt someone down in acid or other such caustic chemicals, there really is only a layer of yellow foam left. That is the fat in their body, congealing. I know this because I have three blue barrels in my basement, all about 150 gallons each. If you opened those barrels, you would see a rusty colored liquid, with an inch of yellow foam floating on top of each one.

I mean, Death Bed is funny-tastic!

*Goes down to basement.

Nato – Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead

%name Nato And Remys Last Stand: Guilty Pleasures As Charged

Alright, could this really be a guilty pleasures list without a Troma produced film directed by Lloyd Kaufman? Originally I was going to throw the Chidos brothers’ Killer Klowns From Outer Space on here, but I feel like that’s the go-to guilty pleasure pick for a ton of horror fans. Then I was going to go with a Toxic Avenger film, because he rules, but right before writing I noticed Netflix finally threw a film on Watch Instantly I’d been waiting to watch for a while – Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. Why? HA! We’ll, for starters, it’s Troma, so you know there will be nothing tame about it. Secondly, let me explain the premise – a fried chicken chain is built on an ancient Indian burial ground, the chicken becomes infected, and the town turns into feathered chicken zombies. To those sane readers, I understand I just lost you, but to those still with me, believe me when I say Poultrygeist is a clucking good time.

Sure, admittedly the film takes a little while to really ramp up brutal Troma-style visual gore and debauchery, as the beginning is full of awkward nudity, extremely silly backstory material, and raunchy musical numbers about sex. Yes, I just said musical numbers, one of which includes Lloyd Kaufman himself. Why? Fun fact, Kaufman always wanted to work on Broadway, but as you can see, that little plan never actually hatched, so here he injects some of his musical love into a gore-filled zombie knock off which pushes the boundaries of all we deem sacred and untouchable. There’s no sense to it while offensively stereotyping races, centers around possessed fried chicken, exploits nudity and crudeness for cheap laughs and shock value scenes, becomes downright vile and repulsive, features a long stretch of nothing but blood-splattering, limb-ripping, people eating chicken zombie violence on an epic level – and that’s why we love it. This is a pure F-Movie that somehow rises above the rest to solid B-Movie glory. For the record, I didn’t officially warm up to Kaufman’s chicken-zombie extravaganza until the first death scene, but just know I fell in love from that moment on. Patience is a virtue, especially when bleeding broom-penises are involved. Annnnnd boom. You’re hooked. Or terrified. Or aroused?

*A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates:

Matt Donato

Remy Carreiro

Like what you read? Check out last week’s article where we countdown the Top 10 Horror Movies of 2011!

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