Nato And Remy’s Last Stand: Horror Hotties We Watch Terrible Movies To See

Nato: Hey everyone, Remy stepped up for me again, so enjoy another one of his insane introductions! A Remy Introduction! Rem-duction? Remy: I think it's funny that just because I am a feminist that seems to imply I can't desire to have sex with women. Apparently the act of being a feminist takes women out of that light, and casts them in some super serious, sexless, gender-less role. That sounds abusive to me, dehumanizing women to pump women up? No, I think quite the opposite. I am such a feminist, I want to be inside of ALL women. From the scabby bus driver who coughs into her own hand and then smells it, to the fashion model who only snorts blood diamonds, I want to feel their undulating flesh walls, to know what they know. I want to absorb every inch of every woman ever. If I could have a mantle in my bedroom that just looked like a giant vagine, adorned with candles, I would have it. Why? Because that is just how powerful I think women are. DOWN WITH OBELISKS and PHALLIC OBJECTS! Up with the supremacy of the nation of the VAG! The celebrate our movement into the nation of Vag, Matt and I decided to showcase some woman we wish we could experience, sexually, despite the terrible horror films they appeared in. See, feminism, b*tches. Nato: ...and there goes another handful of readers...and to any of my family reading this...yeah... Nato: Entire Female Cast (Night Of The Demons) What do Shannon Elizabeth, Monica Keena, Diora Baird, and Bobbi Sue Luther all have in common? They are all certifiable smokeshows, they all appear in Adam Gierasch's Night Of The Demons, and they all distracted me for a good hour and a half, making me forget all about the horror travesty I was boobsing...I mean watchboobsing...I mean...boobs. There's only one thing Night Of The Demons can be commended for, and that's assembling such a screen-scorching cast of female party-goers for audiences to feast on. Too bad the remake was a cinematic waste of bombshell potential, soiling the name of Kevin Tenney's original. Maybe Gierasch got a little too hung up on weird demon sex scenes and terrible dialogue, because after his fiery foursome's hypnotic trance had ended, I couldn't believe I actually finished his God-awful film. But if you think those chicks are sexy human, just wait 'till the turn into demons...Awww Yeahhhh! Remy: Ashley Greene (The Apparition/Twilight) It's like this girl prides herself on taking scripts she doesn't actually read first. The Twilight series MAY JUST BE my most hated film series ever. I think that everything it stands for is an absolute joke, and the only redeeming thing about my old life when I was forced to take special needs kids to see these movies was the glimmering ray of light that is Ashley Greene. She looks like something one of your fat friends would draw so he could rub one out to her. Honestly, she doesn't even look real. And the best part is, despite her film choices, I have seen her in interviews and the girl is remarkably well spoken and graceful. In other words - I want to crawl up inside her and go to sleep. Nato: Alexandra Daddario (Texas Chainsaw 3D/Bereavement) I wasn't sure which film to showcase Daddario in, because the rising scream queen is putting other genre girls to shame left and right, but I chose a picture from Bereavement because I found it just a little more unwatchable compared to Texas Chainsaw 3D. On the other hand, if you saw Leatherface's latest ill-fated sequel, you would have seen Daddario double for a beautiful, blue-eyed, brunette Barbie Doll, boasting an unfathomably rockin' bod that made me jealous of even Leatherface because he got to carry her around. If it takes being a psychopathic, mask-wearing mass-murder to be close to Alexandra Daddario, then f#ck it. I'm headin' out to Home Depot, practicing my chainsaw skills, and heading South. I'll be waiting Alexandra! Remy: Jennifer Love Hewitt (See Filmography) Confession time - though you all started loving her around her Party of Five days, I loved this chick since Kids Incorporated, so essentially, since we both were nine. I mean, did you even know about The Byrds of Paradise, her show with Seth Green? Didn't think so, punks. Though it could be said her turn as victim in the I Know What You Did Last Summer series was not exactly Shakespearean in depth, it was the second movie that really stunk like the fishing town it was based on. But there were two things that made that movie thoroughly enjoyable, and they both just got insured for five million dollars. We encourage insured boobs, assh*les. It's called feminism - haven't you got the theme of this article yet?! Nato: Sara Paxton (Shark Night 3D) I would never recommend Shark Night 3D even on my worst enemy (apologies to the late David R. Ellis), but if you absolutely love torturing yourself with weak PG-13 horror rip-offs, at least the stammeringly sweet and pouty Sara Paxton is there to get you through the bloodless, scareless, guppy of a film. Sara Paxton isn't someone I ogle like the Night of the Demon girls though, no, I'm more infatuated with her than pervy. She's the kind of girl I'd take out for a fancy dinner and spend the next two days struggling not to call back and pour my guts out too. The kind of girl I just want to watch a movie and cuddle with. I mean, like, cuddle the shit out of. I'd cuddle her for days. Hot, sweaty, primal-instinct type cuddling. Oh man, we could cuddle in so many different positions, so many ways...like a tantric cuddle-fest of epic proportions. Uh oh, I think I just "chummed the waters." (That joke was for you, shark enthusiasts.) Remy: Amber Heard (The Stepfather) Pretty sure God raw-dogged it with the Sun, and Amber Heard was born from that celestial coupling. She is, literally, so attractive, I can't see anything around her when she walks on screen. I also go deaf. So I can't hear anything. I can only see her, that CANNOT be a good sign, right? My nose starts bleeding and I have spasms, seriously. She is that pretty. Her dimples are made from the virginity of unicorns, that is how sacred she is. So the Stepfather remake may have been AMAZING, but truth is, I liked the one with John Locke more. I think, I don't know. I couldn't really hear or see much of the sequel because I was blinded by Amber Heard in a f*cking bikini. I mean, blinded by her role as Alpha, assuming the strength and becoming the heroine of the movie against all odds, like, feminism style, yo. Nato: Jennifer Lawrence (House At The End Of The Street) Do I seriously have to explain this one? Jennifer Lawrence is the new heavyweight "It" girl balancing style, grace, a grounded personality, and astounding beauty. Also, House At The End Of The Street was a twist-less piece of garbage that easily made my Worst Horror Films of 2012 list. But why did I watch the entire thing? Because when Jennifer Lawrence is on screen, you're not allowed to look away. Sorry, I don't make the rules, I just follow them with the most extreme devotion. Yes, while she absolutely killed it in Silver Linings Playbook, deserving her Oscar without debate, she unfortunately can be tied to Mark Tonderai's epic horror fail, making everyone jealous of Max Thieriot's fake relationship with her - until he tries to kill her. Then every man's primal instinct kicks in and all we can do is want to rip Thieriot limb from limb because of his stupid actions and our want to protect one of America's #1 sweethearts, and who we can only assume is the love of numerous stalker's lives. A beautiful woman carrying a abysmal film - that's what this article is about, isn't it? Remy: Michelle Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes) Listen, I know they covered this woman in prosthetics to hide her real beauty, and I cannot say I blame them. Even with that misshapen head and those weird, unbalanced eyes, there is just something utterly captivating about her jaw line, and the feral qualities she brings to the screen whenever they feature her. (It was at this point Matt informed me that Michelle Berryman is actually Michael, and that NO prosthetics were used at all, that is just how he was born as the result of twenty six birth defects.) Wow, Matt, seems like YOU missed Feminism 101. Just because she may be ugly to you, to strip her of her gender identity is so patriarchal of you. You MUST be a Republican! You better watch your back... *Storms off Nato: Um, what? Why did that get political? I think I might need a break from this. *Doorbell rings* So how many of you suffered through the same movies just for these bodacious babes? Did we miss your favorite horror hotties who carried their own movies? Let us know in the comments! *A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates: Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro Like what you read? Check out last week's edition where Remy and I discuss our favorite horror masks!