WGTC Weekly Throwdown: Twilight Battle! Team Edward Versus Team Jacob

al image1 518x360 WGTC Weekly Throwdown: Twilight Battle! Team Edward Versus Team Jacob

Arguments – they’re part of life. We’re all competitive beasts, never wanting to admit fault or defeat, and will go to great lengths when defending our honor when challenged or threatened. Arguments have started wars, shattered relationships, broken families, declared victors, but have also awarded respect. A win will always be a win, but longstanding respect and admitted defeat are far greater trophies than another tally mark on a record sheet somewhere. That’s where our story begins for this group of alcohol swigging, loud mouthed master-debaters (had to make that joke once, c’mon!), connected by our love of whiskey, which is only overpowered by our love for all things pop culture – cinema, music, television, gaming, you name it. Inebriation and verbal assaulting, how could this go wrong?!

Needless to say, all we do now is argue about pop culture and hot topics of the day. Despite sounding like the grunts and groans of a pack of psychopaths, we decided to translate our debates into a readable affair. This means that every few weeks or so, we will be posting our thoughts on upcoming releases and pop culture in general. Since agreeing is for peace-loving hippies, our arguments will be broken up into two sides, and the winner is decided by the readers. Yes, our fates are in your hands!

Before we begin though, allow us to introduce ourselves.

Christian: A nearly retired cop with nothing left to lose, Christian turned to bath salts and cat urine to deal with losing three wives and up to seven stepchildren (they were gingers though, does that even count?). Although it is true that he is extremely opinionated, Christian only pushes his opinions on those he loves most (especially you, dear reader). Famous for his last stand at the Alamo and ability to produce children with a single look, this is a man who should by no means be considered harmless. Aside from devilish good looks and cologne that doesn’t come in an aluminum can, his knowledge of everything pop-culture will leave wives crying for divorce and daughters breaking the locks their fathers rightfully installed on their chastity belts. Debating isn’t exactly his strong suit, but he did once defeat a whole debate team using only the power of a flamethrower, so maybe that counts.

Gem:  Gem has lived the secluded life of an academic, dedicated to a better understanding of critical analysis. Emerging from five years struggling to insert page numbers into Word, Gem indulged in the world of film to satiate her creative side – from which burst the need to obliterate those who do not agree with her inane, profane ranting. Her most critically acclaimed debate was executed at this year’s Comic Con when she swayed a crowd of riotous nerds into agreeing that yes, a coat rack could defeat Wolverine. The opposition doesn’t stand a chance.

Nato: Traveling back in time from a dystopian universe where pop culture debates are a game of life and death, Nato (formerly Natobombious Kick-Assious) continues to extend his unbeaten streak against the competition he now sees in three (barely) functioning alcoholics who devour useless entertainment factoids like the bottles of Jack taped to their hands. Matt can make a case for anything, but enjoys the new challenge of debate through writing, disabling his hypnotically enchanting “hair-flip” closing visual, typically bringing competition to their knees with one swiftly punctuated “swoosh.” Who needs a closing argument when you have great hair? You’re about to witness the great lengths he’s willing to go and mighty stretches he’s willing to make, abandoning all notions of self-respect just to deliver the most convincing arguments conceivable. A pop-culture chameleon, Nato can do it all. We promise we’ll do our best to contain him, but it might be too late already…

Alex: Formed from the recovered DNA of Stephen A. Douglas, Ben Franklin, and Socrates, Alex is an unstoppable force in an argument. Basically every epic speech in every courtroom movie/TV show ever was copied verbatim from arguments Alex has made. If the world listened to his points on abortion, gay marriage, or America’s healthcare system, all people would finally be in agreement. But why waste his talents on such minutia? It’s the world of the media that sparks the fiercest debates, and thus his fiercest opinions. But just because he’s such an eloquent debater in person doesn’t mean that doesn’t translate into his writing. Some argue the pen is mightier than the sword. Well Alex doesn’t write with a pen, he uses a sword to slice paper into the words that crush those who disagree. Whoever opposes him ought to fear for not only their dignity, but their safety as well.

Today’s Argument: Team Edward vs. Team Jacob

It’s the age-old battle of werewolf vs. vampire, told through the most watered down and least appealing way possible. These two once feared monsters have been stripped of all horrific nature by the Twilight series, but it’s what all the kids seem to be talking about these days, so why not weigh in on it?

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%name WGTC Weekly Throwdown: Twilight Battle! Team Edward Versus Team Jacob

Christian: Team Jacob

Whenever people ask whether I’m Team Jacob or Team Edward, they ask like there’s any choice in the matter. Who would want to take the side of a hollow vampire that makes every wrong decision he can when it comes to protecting the one he loves? I mean, come on people, he just straight up abandons her, and when he comes back, all he does is break her bed and knock her up with a baby that apparently takes a power saw to rip out of Bella’s body. So let’s be honest with ourselves: do we really want a lover whose idea of expressing love is to suck at everything?

But that Jacob Black. What a stand up character! When Edward leaves to go cry in a different corner of the world, Jacob is there to help cheer Bella up. She’s off riding motorcycles and putting her head in gators’ mouths, and Jacob’s there to stop her from being a complete idiot. Of course he develops feelings for her; it’s like feeling protective of a puppy that’s too stupid to know how to survive.

And when Edward returns with his tail between his legs and his hair in some audacious style (probably a weave or something), she runs right back without a second thought. You don’t friend zone a werewolf, Bella! That just does not happen! He has immense powers that he doesn’t threaten you with. Edward’s family practically orgasms simultaneously when you get a freaking papercut, and THAT’S the guy you’re choosing? Have fun at Thanksgiving when you’re all eating that skunk you just ran over on the way.

There are so many reasons that dating a werewolf is just plain better than running with a vampire crowd. All that overt sexuality that’s clouding your judgment? There will be none of that with these wolves! Bella would be treated like a lady, or at least a cardboard cut-out in the shape of a lady. I hardly doubt a wolf baby would ruin your ladyhood as much as a baby bat would. Jacob would also fix the bed after rocking you all night long.

Spousal arguments would be so much easier between Bella and Jacob as well, because I doubt Jacob would leave the state for half a year if she burned the meat loaf and called his mother a fat whore. Jacob is a rock of solidarity in the times that Edward is a ball of that goo that makes farting noises.

Bella, don’t you remember when you realized you fell in love with Jacob? That lasted maybe twenty minutes before you flip-flopped right back to the Cullens, what with their rival vampire clans and whatnot. If you want to have fun with that pasty bunch of mouth breathers, then go right ahead. Me and Jacob will be cuddling and nursing our love cubs together, because he’s a true gentleman.

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%name WGTC Weekly Throwdown: Twilight Battle! Team Edward Versus Team Jacob

Gem: Team Jacob

Shape shifter. Shirt ripper. Shark rifter. To sum up – these attributes define Jacob Black (apart from that last one – it’s entirely made up), who has considerable advantage over Edward Cullen which blossoms from his rich native ancestry. The Cullen’s savage history evokes a line of predecessors whose time was spent in dusty coffins, chasing rats for sport and skulking around the planet in misery over their perpetual fate.

To put it bluntly: Jacob’s heritage is infinitely more impressive.

1.       An Honourable Native Upbringing

The Quileute Nation, home to Jacob and the rest of his pack, are native people who reside on an Indian reservation on Washington’s west coast. The panorama of vast ocean beating against the bluffs at La Push; the Quileute beach and township, is a homestead which positions Jacob as a far better candidate for the affections of Bella. What better a beginning in life could you summon compared to an oceanside dwelling surrounded by the warm nurture of your tribe?

The tribe instills in Jacob a fortitude of life lessons borne from skills and abilities honed over centuries, enabling them to repurpose land and materials as needed.  Jacob is adaptable. His elders have passed down to him strong, good-hearted traits; protecting your community, beating shite out of withering vamps and that old favourite: not telling your girlfriend you are struggling with desire to drink her blood.

2.       Awesome Backstory With Slutty Undertones

Quileute legend speaks of a two-sided mythical entity called Dokibatt/K’wa’iti who transformed a wolf into the very first tribesman. The Twilight mythology embellishes this tale citing the first werewolf shifter of the tribe as a chief spirit warrior who turned to wolf form after his physical body was ravaged. He went on to sire many children and handed his genes down to four families within the tribe – which emerge with the onset of puberty.

So instead of acquiring a voice that sounds like he’d been kicked in the knackers, when Jacob was on the brink of manhood he was able to morph into a wolf. And as legend says, you’re also allowed to sleep around and it’s perfectly acceptable. You know how the old adage goes: a slutty wolf is a happy wolf.

3.       Vampires = Pillaging Europeans, Wolves = Rightful Natives

A fortuitous angle for Team Jacob’s precedence lies in the Quileute’s battle with the White Europeans which began in the 1770s. With their twinkly pearlescent skin, fancy clothes and insistence on nabbing what’s theirs without even asking, the White Europeans bare more than a passing similarity to…the sparkling, blood-guzzling Cullens! The Quileute hold reverence for the land and its people, which cannot be said for their opponents.

Whether Stephenie Meyer deliberately pursued this obvious comparison: the Quileute as representative of the true Natives and the Cullen clan as the imposing Europeans intent on pillaging – it nevertheless racks up more points for Team Jacob.

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%name WGTC Weekly Throwdown: Twilight Battle! Team Edward Versus Team Jacob

Nato: Team Edward

Team Edward vs. Team Jacob? Please, Edward would make puppy chow out of that hairy mongrel.

Werewolves first appearances only date back to the late 1500s during medieval times, while recorded encounters with vampires date as far back as prehistoric times. Talk about experience! Do you really want to fumble around with a fuzzy little creature who only has a few centuries under his belt when you could have a well oiled machine versed in the ways of EVERY culture spending the night at your place? For that reason alone you should be gambling on the pale skinned man with the sharp teeth and blood-red eyes – leave the dog locked out back.

But Ok, not sold? Just check out their style! Edward sports an extremely modern chic presentation, complete with tight-fitting solid colored tees and svelte jackets which accentuate his perfectly slim physique. Mix that with those beautifully styled wavy locks, those dreamy eyes you can get lost in all day, soft pouty lips, and…hold on people, I need a second here…OK I think we’re good. Edward might as well be a damn albino model, looking like the James Dean of vampires.

On the other hand you’ve got that mangy mut Jacob, showing up to your house in jeans and a T-shirt, only to remove his shirt in a matter of seconds and reveal some glistening abs, as a self-centered caveman would dress. Sure, he physically looks good, but where’s the dangerous variety? Where’s the mixing and matching? It takes commitment to dress that dapper, and Edward deserves way more credit for keeping his equally tone bod under wraps, entrancing lovers with more than Mongoloid impulses.

And what about when they change, eh? What you see is what you get with Edward. He’s a vampire from the minute you see him, and when he changes, he looks exactly the same. Super strong, super fast, can climb shit like no other, is all-star baseball player, totally immortal, can sex you so good he breaks the entire room in a chaotic tornado of love, and he’s a human disco ball in the sunlight! Jacob? He turns into an angry housepet that can thus be slapped around like one, growls a lot, and is completely naked. How tacky. Is there really even an argument there?

While we’re on it, what about Jacob’s “pack?” A bunch of shirtless dudes wearing cut off jean shorts just hanging around? Probably oiling each other’s abs up? Probably sniffing each others asses? What! They’re dogs! That’s what they do! But c’mon, doesn’t anyone else think this whole Bella love thing is just a cover up for Jacob, to hide the fact that he’s batting for the team opposite Edward? Jacob’s pack is the equivalent of the Village People – if they were all homosexual werewolves. Do you really want to marry a dude based on abs alone, only to find out he’d rather sleep naked in the woods, snuggled up with his “brothers” for “warmth,” “marking” each other’s “territory?”

This is a clear-cut case people, Team Edward all day, everyday.

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%name WGTC Weekly Throwdown: Twilight Battle! Team Edward Versus Team Jacob

Alex: Team Edward

I really don’t get how the debate is still going on with this one. There was never any chance she was going to pick Jacob and it was obvious why not. He’s simply not as good-looking as Edward. Sure, Jacob’s got some epic pecs and some perfectly tanned skin, but he lost her the minute he had that nasty hip-length hair in the first one. Edward is a beautiful man. He has perfect bone structure, and those eyes, I mean talk about a pool of piercing, glittering topaz majesty. Bella said it herself, he’s “impossibly beautiful.”

Edward cares for her way more as well. Time and time again he’s tried to distance himself from her for the sake of protecting her. There’s no greater way to demonstrate love than by giving up everything you want for the betterment of the one you love. He even asked Jacob to go to her and tell her to abort the vampire baby that was killing her!  That’s his competition for this girl. He cared about her that much.

Meanwhile, Jacob’s been busy showing he’s got the dog part of being a werewolf down as his loyalty turns into a dependence bordering on pathetic. And when I say bordering on, I mean he’s definitely as pathetic as they come. Sure, he stops hanging out with her at one point, but it’s not for her betterment, he’s just pouting. Come on dude, give her some space.

Some may argue that Edward watching Bella sleep is creepy, but he’s protecting her! I mean, I’d feel better if some beautiful vampire was sitting over my bed making sure no one was out to eat me as I sweetly slumbered. That is trademark husband material. I know every girl is just dying to have a guy who doesn’t sleep so he can protect her. Edward is the only one actually capable of that.

Plus his family is loaded! I know, I know, Bella CLAIMS that she isn’t interested in his money, and she doesn’t want his nice gifts, but any girl who doesn’t concede that marrying into money would at least be nice is lying to the world. Edward’s family has a sweet house and they’re just elegant. Jacob is living in the woods in some shack. To act like that isn’t a big part of Bella’s decision would be erroneous. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

Speaking of diamonds, Edward doesn’t even have the biggest flaw of most vampires. He is totally fine in the sun. In fact, he’s better than fine. He sparkles! It’s like oh, only 99% of women are staring at this incredibly attractive man, let’s let more attention be drawn to him as he glistens whenever sunlight hits him.

Vampires are simply better than werewolves. There’s no debate here. Look at the movies! From Dusk Til Dawn, Interview With A Vampire, From Dusk Til Dawn, The Lost Boys, and oh yeah, From Dusk Til Dawn! Werewolves you have what? Teen Wolf Too? No comparison.

And did I mention those eyes? Team Edward for the win.  

Disclaimer: None of us actually ENJOY the Twilight films. They are utter and absolute shite, turning an entire generation of girls into mindless, screaming, brainwashed banshees of terror. We’re actually on Team Van Helsing, and are all optimistically praying for a bloody, violent, and R-Rated crossover. One can only dream!

The arguments have been made! Be sure to cast your vote and leave your opinion on the matter. Maybe your words can help sway those readers still on the fence?

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  • http://www.facebook.com/kserenyi Kenneth Serenyi

    Nato is referred to as ‘Matt’ halfway through his bio. ;)

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Matt-Donato/556930521 Matt Donato

      Blast! You’ve uncovered my real identity! Back into the shadows I go!