This HGTV hit is now in its fourth season of uncovering the nation’s most horrific homes.
If you’re anything like me and you’ve become rather addicted to HGTV’s Ugliest House In America and its talented host Retta, you’re likely very excited about the upcoming fourth season. Not only is this out-of-the-ordinary offering the ideal antidote to picture-perfect design shows and syrupy offerings focussed on the Brady Bunch House or HGTV’s Barbie movie tie-in, it serves as a cautionary tale to overly eager home buyers. Yes, a great price doesn’t always make up for ugly. Plus, Ugliest House In America reveals that there may be an architectural absurdity, design disaster, or building blunder hiding in plain sight on your street, so keep those eyes peeled.
While every house featured in the show’s first three seasons possesses an uncanny ability to raise eyebrows, some are more astonishing than others.
10. The Grey Ghost of Weeki Wachee, Florida
This Floridian nightmare looks like a ship and a house mated and created a very ugly baby. In fact, the current owners not-so-lovingly call it the Titanic as its original designer clearly had a penchant for all-things-nautical. Things don’t get any better when Retta crosses its wonky threshold either. Nestled in a vomit of dark wood and repurposed building materials lurks a rotary phone that doubles as a doorbell, a carving of the designer’s wife’s head perched on a newel post, and a bevy of broken railing. As an added bonus, one room is infested with bugs, spiders, and lizards… oh my! Retta’s best extermination advice is to burn the whole thing down.
9. That ’70s House of Phoenix, Arizona
When Retta enters this fossilized shoutout to the 1970s, it’s hard not to imagine the Partridge Family theme song providing the soundtrack. Seriously, not only is the interior teeming with outdated knick-knacks, but it also sports a rather worn shag carpet that the owner’s daughter likens to a 50-year-long science experiment. Toss in a claustrophobia-inducingly narrow galley kitchen, an impressive collection of formal window dressings, and a whole lotta wainscoting, and you’ve got yourself an interior that would make members of That ’70s Show cast feel right at home.
8. The House of the Gilded Angel of Manassas, Virginia
To call this house “angelic” would be misleading. It is, however, riddled with cherubs and other winged people floating in its every nook and cranny. While the cherub backsplash, bronze angel sconces, and countless chandeliers bearing these heavenly beings are overwhelming, the feature that most stands out is the giant cherub-festooned oval window that resides above the home’s front door. Factor in the improperly installed gas fireplace, a giant wall of fish tanks, and a holy water dispenser on the bathroom wall, and this home is much more hellish than heavenly.
7. The House with No Privacy of Palm City, Florida
If you spend your working days in a cubicle, you’ve likely wished that those makeshift “walls” were real, affording you floor-to-ceiling privacy. Now imagine going home to a place with a similar everyone-can-hear-your-every-noise vibe. Yes, perched on a picturesque waterfront lot in Florida sits a house with no complete interior walls. Your teenage daughters can hear your romantic dalliances and your guests are privy to your bathroom noises. And the walls you do have are massicated slabs of pecky cypress that Retta claims makes your home look like a murder scene. Perhaps your workplace cubicle doesn’t look so bad after all.
6. The Rock House of Larkspur, Colorado
Unless your last name is “Flintstone” or “Rubble,” you’ve likely never considered sharing your home with a giant rock. Well, it turns out that one Colorado homeowner envisioned exactly that — incorporating a massive boulder into his interior design. Yes, the rock is in the house. The current owners, however, are less impressed, confessing that their residence closely resembles a jail. While navigating her way through this stony abode, Retta is repeatedly warned to “watch her step” since the floors are spongy as they are built directly on top of the earth. To make matters worse, parts of the home have no electric lighting or outlets, forcing the owners to rely on battery-operated illumination. And, the master bedroom has no door (or privacy) in order to preserve the view of the rock.
5. Mad for Murals of Granville, Ohio
It’s not uncommon to bedazzle your baby’s room with a whimsical mural. A lovingly devised image on a single wall will help nurture your little one’s imagination, right? What if you enjoyed creating your artistic masterpiece so much that you decided to grace every wall with your newly-found talent? Well, you may wind up with this midwestern nod to “embracing one’s inner creative.” A pair of faux-painted pillars accurately foreshadow what Retta will find inside, including “The Four Seasons Room” in which each wall depicts a different time of year; a Dante’s Inferno-themed family room; a bedroom featuring a nod to stained glass; and a basement that Retta says screams “Stay awake, stay awake!” The intricate icing on this proverbial cake, however, is the dining room’s larger-than-life-sized rendition of The Last Supper.
4. The Jungle House of Delano, California
Welcome to the house that has everything you’ve never dreamed of — a kitchen with a built-in can opener and a reptile habitat; a jungle-esque greenhouse in your dining area; and a sliding barrel containing a built-in tube television. This blight upon the California landscape even has a dirty little secret in the master bedroom: a carpet and lattice platform to house your heart-shaped bed. And, just through the saloon doors, you’ll find a fully outfitted bedroom kitchen for replenishing all the calories you’ve burned.
3. Poseidon’s Fortress of Saint Cloud, Minnesota
If you long to live in a house in which every room celebrates a unique theme, this Midwestern mansion may be the home of your dreams. Or nightmares. The family room features a collection of shiny mounted fish, a water drop ceiling, and so many other oceanic finds that Retta labels it “the fish fetish room.” Next up, you will find a bedroom that looks like the set designed for filming George Of The Jungle, replete with greenery-covered walls and a fig leaf ceiling fan; a cavernous bathroom bedecked with sparkling stalactites and stone walls; and a workout room showcasing a floor-to-ceiling Mayan pyramid. It’s like living in your very own tourist attraction.
2. The Crystal Death Trap of Raleigh, North Carolina
Our intro to this house begins as Retta descends the rail-free, outdoor “death steps” to a putting green and lap pool surrounded by dirt holes. Wait, what? Yes, this auspicious start barely scratches the surface of the weirdness within. Where else would you find a dangerous unvented fireplace in the middle of the room and a side-by-side wood/gas fireplace combo with a water feature cascading above it? And these are not the only hazards residing within this melange of bubble glass and neon lighting strips. Both the bedroom and the bathroom boast doors that lead to nothing but a 10-foot drop. Yes, this house has not one but two “death doors.”
1. The Inconvenient Dollhouse of Willmar, Minnesota
From the curb, this Minnesota address resembles an intricate gingerbread house gone wrong, or as Retta puts it, “I feel like Hansel and Gretel should live here.” The inside, however, is a jam-packed den of confusion. With ornate built-ins in every corner and more decorator plates than a Royal Doulton factory, this house keeps the eyes busy – very busy. And amongst this antique mountain resides a designated tea area perched upon a platform with a cathedral ceiling, a series of tiny steps that lead to a treehouse-ish mini ballroom, and bats. Yes, bats. The crowning glory of this oddball dwelling is the dark tunnel that leads to a dungeon-like hot tub down below. Retta sums this house up best when she says it’s “the most fascinating house I’ve ever been in… a carnival sideshow with bats.”
Published: Aug 8, 2023 02:26 pm