‘I hear I’m not doing well’: Donald Trump faces mortality, desires heaven, says currently at ‘bottom of the totem pole’

One day in the not-too-distant future, you’re going to pick up your phone, see a news notification, and read that Donald Trump is dead. For some, this will be a moment of sadness. For many others, jubilation. Trump is so omnipresent in our lives at the moment that it’s difficult to imagine a world without him, but let’s face it, 79-year-old, overweight men who subsist on a diet of cheeseburgers don’t live forever.

Trump’s mortality even appears to be preying on his mind and causing him to consider not just his legacy, but the fate of his immortal soul. In comments to Fox News, Trump said his current ambition to end at least one major war is fuelled by fears that he might not make it into heaven, combined with worries over his aging body:

Trump: "I want to try and get to heaven if possible. I hear I'm not doing well. I hear I'm really at the bottom of the totem pole." pic.twitter.com/y1izqVGM84

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) August 19, 2025

“I want to try and get to heaven if possible. I hear I’m not doing well. I hear I’m really at the bottom of the totem pole.”

Trump is, of course, lightly joking about this. He’s referring to a near-constant background hum of stories about his health when he says, “I hear I’m not doing well”. That said, he really might not be: he was recently diagnosed with Chronic Venous Insufficiency, mysteriously bruised hands, and rambling speeches worryingly reminiscent of dementia.

Upstairs …or downstairs

Whatever the reality of Trump’s health, he will die. So, let’s play St. Peter and figure out whether he’s earned a spot with the angels. Trump describes himself as a “proud Christian”, though doesn’t identify with any particular denomination. He also claims to enjoy church, though rarely attends, saying, “When I go to church and when I drink my little wine and have my little cracker, I guess that is a form of forgiveness.”

On the other hand, there’s all that evil stuff he did, is doing, and will continue to do in the future. Y’know, all the pride, gluttony, lust, wrath, sloth, vanity, and envy stuff that’s fuelled every single one of his life decisions.

So, while I wouldn’t want to make any assumptions about holy judgment, it seems likely that, and there’s no nice way to put this. He’s going downstairs. Yup, they’re putting him downstairs. But hey, Mar-a-Lago looks like hell on Earth anyway, so maybe it won’t be that bad for him!