There is always a lot of debate, even going all the way up to Congress, about how the federal government can stay updated on healthcare trends better for the benefit of all Americans. Turns out, the US Consumer Product Safety Commission might actually not be as behind as some might worry, or perhaps they just might be. And now even TikTok doctors are chiming in.
According to a recent report from the New York Post, the US Consumer Product Safety Commission has been keeping a database of how many people have ended up in the ER with items dislodged in their rectums. They have also been taking note of exactly what type of item was stuck there in the first place. The individuals who had the displeasure of that horrific experience are obviously still protected by patient-doctor confidentiality, but the press was able to find an extensive list of what they had stuck up their butt anyway, with the most recent data from 2024 just getting published.
Before we peel down the list, there are actually a couple of reasons why this was done. After all, this is a culture where Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has ascended into being the top name in matters of health in the nation, and when he’s not peddling conspiracies, it’s Donald Trump pushing unverified claims about Tylenol. These days it’s not even a given for bleach bottles to not have warnings about consumption because some people with the ear of the administration actually believe it might cure autism. So now the guys whose jobs it is to walk people away from avoidable mistakes need more data to quash disturbing trends before they get out of control.
An emergency doctor from Chicago took to TikTok to say that he also gets asked by people quite often about what exactly people come in with stuck up their butts. For Chicago doctor Kenji Oyasu, MD — his answer was an XL Yankee Candle. Apparently, the boyfriend was “playing around” with his girlfriend a few days earlier. The hard part, as you can imagine, is usually the recovery process. It involves a lot of X-rays and suction vacuums.
And now for the list you’ve been waiting for. In 2024 people had the following stuck in their butts:
- Dog chew toy
- Dryer sheet
- Sandal
- Door knob
- Plastic cleanser bottle full of liquid
- Shampoo bottle (Reason given: “slipped in the shower.”)
- Shampoo bottle (Reason given: “was bored.”)
- Lubricant bottle
- Enema bottle
- Aerosol can
- Dental pick
- 7-inch dildo and pliers (used to try to remove dildo)
- Broken piece of butt plug and tweezers (used to try to remove butt plug piece)
- Film canister
- Wine stopper
- Corn cob holder
- Highlighter
- Invisible marker
- Two pencils
- Magic wand toy
- Battery-powered light
- Flashlight
- Plastic coat hanger with outside of hanger cut off so he could drive to ER
- Penny
- Light bulb, glass side first (The bulb “got sucked up” due to “suction effect.”)
- Vape pen
- Corncob-style pipe
- Rubber gasket
- Piece of nose hair trimmer
- Rectangular travel toothbrush
- Baton
- Hair tie
- Baseball (Reason given: “to see what it felt like.”)
- Uncooked pasta
- Egg (No clarification on whether it was boiled or not.)
- Marbles
- Eyeglasses
- Rock
- Beard clippers wrapped in plastic (Reason given: “was feeling constipated for two days.”)
- Turkey baster
Not to yuck anyone’s yum — but stay careful out there guys. Let’s get that list shorter next year.
Published: Dec 31, 2025 07:26 am