I’m sorry, Tom Cruise does WHAT with fish?!

According to persistent online rumors dating back to 2020, Tom Cruise likes to have, shall we say, “intimate” relations with fish. Who knows if it’s true, but let’s get into it.

The story starts in 2020 with a blind item on Crazy Days and Nights, a blog purportedly run by an anonymous Hollywood lawyer who digs up dirt on A-listers, code-name “Enty.” According to Enty, someone told them an “unnamed celebrity” was seen buying a raw sea bass in Italy. He then went to the restroom and emerged about 10 minutes later without the fish. We’ll let you fill in the blanks from there. Around that same time, Tom Cruise was filming in Italy, and the blind items said the celeb wore two masks for COVID safety and had two bodyguards with him, and putting two and two together, the internet sussed it was Cruise.

As a verifiable source, blind items are about as unverifiable as they come. But Enty kept getting reports from witnesses who said they saw a man buy a raw fish at a fish market, do whatever he did with it in the bathroom, and then leave without it.

One blind item even said he checked the bathroom garbage and found the fish wrapped in paper towels, and some armchair detectives say they’ve tracked Cruise’s whereabouts, placing him where the blind items said witnesses saw it happen. None of the blind items mentioned the Top Gun star, but still, many are convinced it’s him.

“I have a lot of questions and I don’t want any of the them answered”

We’ll reiterate: there’s zero proof Tom Cruise “likes” fish in that way, but bestiality or zoophilia, meaning sexual attraction to animals, is real — so why not fish? Cruise has not commented on the internet rumor, and wow, it would be awkward if he did. But Cruise is a known Scientologist who has had several controversies in his career, and despite being a massive star, he’s private, so in the minds of many, there’s something about the Tom Cruise fish story that rings true.

As for us, we’re mostly here for the comments on TikTok, like, “I have a lot of questions and I don’t want any of them answered,” and, “Origin of the term, ‘I’ve got to go see a man about a fish …..'” And finally, “My imagination is too vivid for this information 😖.”

Did The Simpsons strike again?

But wait, you might be asking — this all sounds like the plot of a 1996 episode of The Simpsons called “A Fish Called Selma.” In it, the character Troy McClure, a Hollywood actor, tries to revive his career, but his efforts are hampered by a “bizarre fish fetish.” Did Simpson‘s writers know something about Cruise, even then? Or did the show somehow predict the future, as it seems to have done in other instances, about the Cruise-fish-related controversy that would — um, make a splash — on TikTok decades later?

Will we get to the bottom — or shall we say, the “depths” — of the Cruise fish story? Who knows. But in the end, rumors like these are what the internet was made for. Or as one X post put it, “PSA 🚨 If you stumble upon the Tom Cruise fish lore posts I HIGHLY recommend you keep scrolling!!!”