‘Talentless problematic white man’ Armie Hammer joins a worrying trend with his latest venture

Why is it that whenever a person doesn’t make it in the big wide world, their very first impulse is to jump on the bandwagon of people who sit around in front of a microphone and pretend to know things they’re absolutely clueless about? Now that Armie Hammer‘s redemption narrative in the media didn’t quite pan out, the actor is joining this long, inexhaustible, endless list of white men who have nothing better to do with their time than sit around and record themselves commenting on anything and everything.

By all of that, I’m referring, of course, to the very manly, alpha practice of launching a podcast with your best buddies and being so presumptuous as to imagine that people will actually tune in to listen to what you have to say, and be doubly surprised when you realize that’s indeed the case. That whatever you create on the internet, there’s going to be a portion of this cosmic digital sphere that will be more than glad to consume it. You may think that’s harsh, but the entire notion is ridiculous, if not downright predictable nowadays.

So know that it is with a heavy heart that I inform you that Armie Hammer, an actor whose somewhat illustrious career was thrown off course three years ago due to sexual misconduct allegations, has just launched his very own podcast, called The Armie HammerTime Podcast.

If you think that’s imaginatively named, wait until you read the description: “Armie sits down with extraordinary people from all walks of life as he rebuilds his own. Don’t worry… we feed him before every episode,” rather distastefully referring to accusations that he was a cannibal.

At least Hammer knows how cliché it is to go for a podcast when all other avenues in life have led to dead ends. “Some of you are going to love this and some of you are going to f***ing hate it,” he says on a reel he posted on Instagram today.

“The original idea of the podcast was, sort of the concept that throughout the course of the day, every single person that you interact with knows at least one thing you don’t. So, teach me what that one thing is,” he explains. How original. What could possibly go wrong?

Hammer really wants you to know what has gone on in his life over the past four years, and a brief interview with Piers Morgan isn’t going to do it justice. “I’ve been gone for the last four years, and, uh, now I’m back. You know? So it’s going to be a sort of journal, or chronicling, of putting my life back together. I’ll let you into my world a little bit.” I’m sure we’re all positively jittery with excitement over the prospects of learning what goes on inside this man’s life, cannibal or not.

What is it about the urge to start a podcast when you reach a certain point and age in life? Truly one of the biggest mysteries of our post-modern age.

Can we have a petition to make podcasts illegal?

I guess that’s one of the downsides of living in a free world, folks. The, uh, The Armie HammerTime Podcast will be put up on Apple, Spotify, Google, and other such popular audio streaming platforms for your listening pleasure.